One of the most valuable experiences in human relationships is: “being seen.”

When a person does not feel “seen”, he will fall into a sense of psychological isolation, resulting in depression, despair, and emptiness—although he is alive, he feels like he is dead. why is that?

When two people “see” each other, you become someone special to each other. Why is this?

The topic we want to discuss with you today is “being seen”—a basic need for “existence” that is destined to exist as a human being.

1. To discuss “being seen”, we need to start with ancient human society.

We all know that humans are by nature “social” animals. Faced with natural threats, invasion of wild animals, and extremely scarce resources, humans understand that only by relying on each other can they survive.

In this context, if a person cannot be seen by others and the group, it means that his survival is directly threatened. It will be unable to obtain the support and resources necessary to survive. Not being seen is literally a death sentence.

With the development of civilization, although our lives seem to be less dependent on others than in the past, the need to be seen remains in our blood. Not being seen can still cause our spirits a painful feeling close to death.

2. Our “self” is built in the process of being seen.

Donald Winnicott is one of the world’s most famous psychoanalysts. In his most famous theory, he proposed that if a baby has a good caregiver who can see the baby’s needs and respond to the baby’s various behaviors in a timely manner, the baby can develop “the true self.” Such a child knows what he wants and lives his life for himself.

And if the caregiver cannot see the baby’s true needs, the baby will develop “the false self.” And this false self will affect the child’s life.

Because we are seen, we believe that our needs are legitimate and that our true selves will receive attention and love, so we have our true self. Even when we grow up to adapt to the needs of the environment and occasionally call upon our false selves to deal with the outside world, there is still a true self within us.

The “false self” is a kind of defense, a “mask” of behavior, which exists in compliance with the expectations of others. Because we have never been seen, in order to survive, we have learned to guess other people’s thoughts and please to gain a chance to survive.

The “false self” cannot become the master of a person’s inner world and cannot hinder a person from perceiving his true existence.

If the “false self” is excessive, or the “true self” is not well established, such children often feel empty and hopeless inside, without happiness, even if they achieve excellence recognized by society when they grow up.

3. The experience of being seen is the cornerstone of healthy and valuable love.

Professor Branden believes that whether it is friendship or love, “psychological visibility” is the cornerstone for love to be sustainable and valuable.

Have you ever met such a person? It is like a mirror, from its eyes we see the truest version of ourselves. We in his eyes are exactly the same as ourselves in our eyes. What he appreciates happens to be what I admire most about myself. He can understand how I experience my life, and he understands my unspeakable past and feelings.

This experience of “being appreciated/loved/recognized for who I am” is completely different from those of “being loved for some socially recognized value.” The spiritual satisfaction and pleasure brought by “being loved for who I am” are absolutely incomparable to the latter.

At this moment, what we feel is psychological visibility—the “psychological self” can be seen.

I still feel that this is a joyful feeling that is difficult to describe in words.

Human existence must have a spiritual part, and compared with the physical existence, the spiritual existence is more difficult for us to feel with certainty because of its “invisibility”. Therefore, when the psychological/spiritual self is seen, we can get the rare “sense of confirmation of existence”—ah, I really exist like this! Along with this, we feel great ecstasy.

Even a one-sided, accidental experience of being seen can leave a deep impression. By chance, we will remember the experience of being read through by someone we don’t know very well for many years to come.

And if two people have bidirectional psychological visibility, can continuously see each other’s true “psychological self”, and can even see the parts of each other that they themselves cannot see clearly, this becomes a very valuable relationship—— We continue to discover ourselves through this relationship.

This is what Professor Branden believes is the value of friendship.

Although we may experience emotional setbacks, people still have the urge to continue to love and form a relationship with another person. It is precisely because in a relationship, we experience psychological visibility and feel that others see and recognize our inner qualities—— a feeling that leaves us with a constant desire to experience it again.

Ultimately, loving someone means finding ourselves in the other person’s heart.

4. The lack of experience of being “seen” by significant others can lead us down the wrong path.

Many attention seekers in this society, that is, those who are particularly hungry for attention, lack the experience of being seen by important others.

As mentioned before, because their true self has never been seen by important people, they have a sense of shame about their existence.

Because they have never been seen, such children begin to believe that “the true self is bad and should be covered up.” It even develops to the point where they believe that the true self is inadequate and defective, and they feel intense shame once they are seen. feel.

They then learn to disguise and pretend that they are “better” than they really are, and the standard of “better” is the expectations of the outside world and others.

On the one hand, they gain the attention of others through flattery, disguise, and even sensationalism, trying to use this to break the dead silence and desperate inner environment in which they are not seen; on the other hand, they also put their true selves beyond their reach. The deeper you bury yourself, the deeper you sink into emptiness.

The experience of seeing your true inner self is completely different from simply gaining the attention of others. We all gain a sense of presence when our true selves are seen, accepted, or opposed. The experience of having our true self affirmed makes us feel more and more relaxed and safe. As long as you live like yourself, you can be accepted and recognized, which is a very “anti-anxiety” thing.

And if you gain the attention of others by burying your true self, it will bring about many complex emotions. We receive attention but still feel hidden anger because the other person ignores the real us. It can also bring about fear that the true self is not good enough and will eventually lose such attention. We are tense and anxious.

5. The key to reversing a bad situation and making changes happen is still to create a new “being seen” experience.

The experience of being “seen” is the prerequisite for self-change and the opportunity for healing to occur.

In the process of psychological counseling, regardless of the technique, the important healing experience that the counselor creates for the patient is “being seen.”

Being seen means that the other person is fully devoted to you at the moment and exists for you at the moment.

Being seen also means that the other person is trying their best to listen to you, and you can safely show your vulnerability without worrying about being hurt.

Being seen also means that the other person has taken the trouble to understand the puzzling parts of you, and that he or she has worked with you to understand why you are who you are today.

As the experience of being “seen” occurs, we also look at ourselves again with tender eyes. We re-understand those parts of ourselves that we dare not “look into” because of shame and sadness, and then we generate emotions and release them. In the process of releasing emotions, experiences that may have been traumatic are sublimated.

This process is reconciliation with oneself.

6. Finally, we want to tell you what you should do if you want to have the experience of being “seen”.

First of all, you need to understand that finding the experience of being seen, just like finding true love, requires a spirit of adventure. This is a game for the brave.

As a human being, you have value. There is no need to meet any conditions or make any achievements. When you find the courage to believe this and begin to endure the intense discomfort and show up with deep vulnerability, you take the first step on a great journey toward love and connection.

Secondly, you have to learn to choose the “right” people to express yourself to.

Don’t choose people who are bad to everyone but tell you they will only be good to you. Choose someone who is always friendly, someone who is safe, and someone who is mature enough not to judge others.

Sometimes we cannot get the experience of being “seen” just because we have always chosen the wrong goal and kept making efforts that are destined to be in vain. Sometimes parents can be the wrong people when it comes to seeking to be seen.

Finally, please see yourself first.

Please learn to look at yourself with gentle, non-judgmental and caring eyes. Look at the needs that have been ignored for years, the parts that have been buried deep because they were not liked by significant others.

See yourself, and then someone will see you like this. And for that person, you are just right like this.

…

The classic line “I see you” in “Avatar” can be interpreted as “I understand you”. I deeply believe that. When you see it, you understand it. It is a resonance of life. Therefore, whether in intimate relationships or in dealing with ourselves, we long to see. If the feeling of being in love is to “see” each other deeply, as long as we are seen, we know that love is flowing. So the feeling of loving yourself is to “see” yourself deeply, be aware of your emotions, and understand your inner world. People who love themselves not only take the initiative to explore their own feelings, but also care about and take care of themselves