Have you fallen into these pitfalls when trying to salvage a relationship?
I’ve received many letters recently, but the one that left the deepest impression on me was this morning, when a netizen asked me for advice: his ex-girlfriend wanted to get back together.
He had been trying to reconcile with her for several years. Despite all his efforts, she remained indifferent. Eventually, he let go and found a new girlfriend. Suddenly, his ex-girlfriend came back, actively pursuing him, inviting him on trips, and giving gifts, just like when they were young. But all the effort he had previously put into salvaging the relationship had been in vain.
Actually, the secret to salvaging a relationship lies here.
She wants to: break up with you, ignore you, and stop seeing you. Isn’t that what she wants?
You want to: salvage the relationship, have her pay attention to you, and continue the relationship. Isn’t that what you want?
You see, what you want and what she wants are completely contradictory when it comes to salvaging the relationship, aren’t they?
If you insist on pursuing what you want, you are essentially preventing her from getting what she wants.
This is the contradiction between you and your ex. It’s a life-and-death struggle.
So, do you think there’s still hope for salvaging the relationship?
This is why the netizen had no chance of salvaging the relationship after years of pleading.
The secret to salvaging a relationship is to give the other person what they want. If they want to break up, respect their decision.
So, to sum it up in one sentence: the biggest secret to salvaging a relationship is—do not salvage it.
Most people have experienced being unable to let go of a past relationship. Looking back now, the obsession at that time was not really about missing the person, but rather the feeling of low self-worth and the fear of loss. I felt that I wasn’t good enough, which is why I lost them. It got to the point where my mind was fixated on three things:
- Obsessing over the reasons for the breakup.
“Why did you break up with me?”
Even if the other person provides an answer, we tend to doubt their words and seek our own version of the truth. Eventually, we always end up with a reason that confirms our low self-worth. When someone is dumped, their self-worth hits rock bottom, and they desperately look for evidence to confirm their worthlessness, even if they can’t find any.
- Obsessing over whether there is someone else.
When another person of the opposite sex appears, it’s the most difficult thing for us to accept.
“What do you mean? You broke up with me and found someone else. Does that mean they are better than me?”
Humans are naturally competitive. Even if there is no third party, we will imagine one.
Originally, it was a matter of the relationship and love between us. Now, it has turned into a comparison with a third party, a competition of who is more impressive. When all your actions are geared towards your relationship with her and towards winning over the third party, which is more attractive to her? Which one is purely for yourself? Which one is at least for the two of you? And of course, there’s also a bit of self-interest.
The best approach is naturally the third one: understanding how conflicted it is for a woman to propose a breakup, respecting her wishes, and giving her what she wants, even if the breakup is not what you want.
By choosing to give her what she wants between “what you want” and “what she wants,” you are silently expressing your true love, which is more effective than saying “I love you” a thousand times.
- Obsessing over the past.
It’s the belief that the ex was perfect in every way and fearing that you may never find someone like them again. This only adds to the fear and unease of loss, preventing you from moving forward.
The result of these three obsessions is a further decline in self-worth and an increasing fear of loss, causing you to lose touch with reality and sometimes even appear somewhat hysterical. This is not the real you.
If you are out of control, you may say things that are impossible to take back. Here are 10 things that you absolutely should not say when going through a breakup:
- “I miss you.”
Right now, you really want to salvage the relationship, and you miss her when she’s not around. But the problem is, she initiated the breakup, and she may not miss you right now.
Telling her that you miss her only vents your own emotions. It’s just a way of reiterating to her over and over again that you want to salvage the relationship and return to the way things were. You might even be trying to move her with these words.
However, countless experiences have shown that, although the girl may feel comfortable hearing this, and you might feel relieved when you say it, the psychological effect on her is to push her further away.
- “I still love you a lot.”
Or anything similar. Like “I miss you,” these words reveal too much of your desire to salvage the relationship at this stage.
In reality, what you need to do is to clear out the emotions between you. The reason you reached this point is that there were toxic elements in your previous relationship. It’s better to wipe the slate clean with a separation. Even if you still love her, it doesn’t mean she feels the same way.
- “Can we at least be friends?”
To be honest, the implied meaning behind this statement, or your true feelings, might not be just to be friends, but to restore the romantic relationship you had before.
Even if she agrees, if she sees you as just a friend and you can’t handle that and keep trying to get closer, it will only make her feel suffocated and push her further away.
- “I feel very lonely and lost… I can’t eat.”
Playing the sympathy card won’t benefit you; it will only make her feel that you have very low self-worth.
Stopping communication with your ex and getting your life back on track is the right path.
- “I shouldn’t have been with you in the first place.”
I understand your emotions, feeling so heartbroken that you wish you had never met her. But expressing these emotions won’t help you salvage the relationship. It won’t repair your relationship or earn her sympathy or respect.
If you have emotions, it’s better to release them through exercise (they say doing 100 squats will clear your mind…).
- “Next time, I’ll definitely find someone better than you, easily.”
You want her to be jealous, but the truth is, you are the one feeling envious. You are most afraid that she will break up with you and immediately find someone new, perhaps someone who is “better” than you according to certain standards. So, you want to take the initiative to prevent this by transforming these emotions into a position that benefits you.
But this level of provocation will only make her realize your true intentions, further anger her, and ultimately result in a complete estrangement. Just think, how would you feel if someone attacked and threatened you in this way? You’d only feel more repulsed, right?
- “I want to delete you, let’s forget about each other.”
It sounds tough, but the message it conveys is “I will be in pain and think of you as long as I have your contact information. I care about you a lot.”
To make the other person feel that you are independent and not a burden in the relationship, she may reconsider being with you.
So, this seemingly childish statement can only prove how weak you are.
- “I’ve been so good to you, but you treat me like this.”
It’s natural to feel hurt by the other person, but communicating in this way only shifts your emotional burden onto her, and she can do nothing but apologize. Moreover, if she has a different understanding from yours, she might even get angry. Most importantly, if you are hurt because of her, logically, not being with her anymore is the right thing to do. So, this sentence cannot help you prove anything.
This is just an emotional outburst, but it is not beneficial for your mental and physical health, nor will it help her come back to you.
- “You’ve broken my heart.”
This statement is not just about pressuring the other person. You are also revealing to your ex that she has the power to control your emotions.
She will no longer see you as someone with high social value and will believe that you cannot find another love without her.
- “You will regret this.”
Similar statements like “All men are like this” or “You may not find someone as good as me” are threats, useless threats. They will only make the other person more fed up with the relationship, extremely angry, and eventually cut off contact with you. Just think, how would you feel if someone attacked and threatened you with such language? You would only grow more disgusted, right?
These 10 statements clearly should not be said, I’m just giving you a heads up. If you are going through an uncertain situation, it’s safest not to say or do anything.
Space is limited here, but finally, I want to congratulate you. The pain you are going through now is actually an opportunity for you to break through and grow.