I’ve been with my fiancée for 3 years, and our relationship has always been great. I really like her quirky personality.

When we started dating, we were open about our romantic history, but we never discussed “sex.”

Although I’ve been in two relationships before, I never had sex, so I didn’t bring it up when dating my fiancée.

About six months into our relationship, the topic came up suddenly. I mentioned that I didn’t mind if my partner was a virgin. My fiancée then told me that her hymen broke when she was young from riding a bike.

Her response led me to misunderstand and believe that she was a virgin.

Our relationship was really good, and we were heading towards marriage, so we became intimate.

After more than 2 years together, we got engaged.

During this time, I never doubted her. Honestly, if she had told me the truth at the beginning, I might not have been as upset, and maybe we wouldn’t be together.

But I truly love her, and I can’t leave her.

Just last week, I happened to check her phone and found a WeChat account in her block list. I looked into it and discovered it was her ex-boyfriend.

After reading their chat history, I found out that my fiancée had been intimate with her ex. I was devastated and even thought about suicide.

She was so absorbed in her book that she didn’t notice my distress. When she finally asked what was wrong, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I just felt resentment towards her.

I resented her for lying to me and making me feel this way.

I haven’t done anything wrong, so why would she treat me like this?

I confronted her about why she lied to me.

She said she really loves me and was afraid that if she told me, I wouldn’t like her anymore. If I couldn’t accept it, we could call off the engagement.

I told her, “I’m angry because you lied to me.”

That day, I cried so much. I’ve never been this heartbroken in my life and feel like I’ve lost the will to carry on.

But then I saw the dinner she had prepared for me, and my heart warmed again.

We haven’t spoken for days, and I’ve been losing sleep and crying uncontrollably. What should I do?

My Response

Hello, I understand how you feel. It’s devastating to be deceived by the person you love the most.

However, when you mentioned not minding if your partner was a virgin, it seemed like you were hinting at something. So her decision to conceal her past and be with you might have been a way to protect your relationship.

If you had directly expressed your concern about her not being a virgin, I believe she would have been honest with you.

So, while concealing one’s romantic history may be hard to forgive, if you truly love her, I suggest having an open and honest conversation.

Ultimately, the decision is yours.

If you’re unwilling to end the relationship, let’s try to understand why she did what she did!

Is lying beneficial or detrimental to the development of a relationship?

This question has been pondered by countless people who have lied in relationships, yet it remains unanswered.

Let’s approach this issue from a different angle: when the truth has already been revealed, is it more important to maintain the relationship with lies or with honesty?

I believe you would choose honesty and truth.

You often tell her that even if the truth is harsh, you want to hear it. You often express that you can’t stand deception, yet one day you found out she had been lying.

And then, in your despair, you gazed at her, wishing you had never known, to preserve a beautiful memory.

What kind of answer do you really want?

When you checked her phone, you should have been prepared for her to have secrets.

Do you regret looking through her phone now?

Because if you hadn’t looked, you wouldn’t have known.

The real issue isn’t whether you should demand absolute loyalty from her, but how you view lying.

Psychologists believe that people unconsciously lie to others, sometimes without even realizing it, and even deny that they are lying.

For example, when you are out alone with a friend of the opposite sex, and she asks what you’re doing, you might pretend to say you’re with a friend of the same sex;

If you bought a dress for $500 and you’re afraid she’ll be upset, you might say it cost $100;

And those formal lies that don’t go through the brain, like “You look beautiful today” or “You can do it,” and so on.

You might say these are white lies, so they’re acceptable, but even white lies are lies.

So, is it a white lie if she didn’t want to talk about her past?

In fact, most lies are well-intentioned.

Once a lie is told, it’s to protect oneself, relationships, or others.

When the truth cannot be changed, people actively choose to change their view and attitude towards the truth, and hence, lies are born.

American social psychologist Feldman believes that lies can be categorized into three types, and the motives for lying can be classified into three major categories:

First, to please others and make them feel better;

Second, to boast and show off;

Third, self-protection.

It’s clear that lying has a positive significance, as it can enhance oneself, maintain one’s image, and promote harmony in relationships.

You might think, so lying makes sense!

But in reality, if you don’t lie, you can’t survive.

Let’s talk about why your fiancée deliberately concealed this information.

Because she genuinely likes you and doesn’t want to lose you.

In the early stages of a relationship, most people consciously or unconsciously hide what they perceive as shortcomings and only want the other person to see their perfect side to enhance their feelings.

This is human nature, not deliberate deception.

But how should I put this, lying really has its pros and cons. On one hand, it encourages you to want to know her more deeply; on the other hand, once this is discovered, it’s harmful to both of you.

For this lie, it has happened and cannot be changed.

Do you still think there are distinctions between lies, where little lies are understandable, but infidelity or concealing romantic history is blatant deception and unforgivable?

But a lie is a lie, there aren’t really any distinctions, they’re all for self-preservation, it’s just a matter of what is being preserved.

You still can’t accept it?

Then let’s look at the motive behind the lie.

It’s for a sense of security.

The reason she did this is because she evaluated the consequences of being honest with you.

If she could face the reality after being honest, she would choose to be truthful. No one wants to lie, and the psychological pressure of carrying a lie is significant.

She instinctively chose the best option, which was to lie.

So lying is just a solution, not the real problem. The real problem is the lack of conditions for honesty.