“When did he cheat on me, do you know?”

Faced with their partner’s infidelity, people are consumed by pain and indecision: they want to leave, but they still have feelings, and they can’t bear to leave their children; they want to continue, but can’t forget the pain of betrayal, and their trust has been shattered. Any suspicious behavior from their partner drives them insane.

My client, Sarah, is an example. Her husband cheated on her during her pregnancy, and it continued for over a year. She accidentally found messages between her husband and the other woman while breastfeeding.

To make matters worse, her husband rented an apartment in the same building for the other woman and would buy gifts for the other woman when buying gifts for Sarah.

When Sarah found out, she was furious. She felt that her marriage was a huge lie. Although her husband explained that he had ended the affair and promised not to do it again, Sarah couldn’t bring herself to trust him anymore. Any emotional triggers would make her lose control.

She would curse at her husband and even hit him, but he was adamant about not getting a divorce.

She hated herself for it, but couldn’t control her emotions. Her mind would often conjure up images of her husband with the other woman, and she couldn’t bring herself to have a physical relationship with her husband.

When they came to me, their marriage was on the brink of collapse. But because of their child and the lingering feelings, they wanted to make a final effort to save their marriage.

Cases like this are not uncommon.

The show “The Truth” once conducted a survey titled “Honestly, have you ever cheated?” and received 70,000 valid responses, 60.7% from men and 39.3% from women.

It’s clear that infidelity has become a widespread problem, a pain that modern marriages cannot bear.

How should we effectively deal with the risk of infidelity?

Adam Grant, a management expert at the Wharton School, found through years of research that the best strategy in business competition, “to cooperate with goodwill, to confront betrayal, and to be generous in seeking reconciliation,” can also be applied to dealing with the risk of infidelity.

How does this work?

It’s simple. Let me explain it to you step by step.

The first stage: Cooperation.

We can collaborate with a win-win mindset, be intimate and trust each other, but we need to clarify through a contract that there are consequences for betrayal.

The second stage: Betrayal.

When the other party fails to abide by the agreement and chooses to betray, what should you do? Retaliate?

Yes, retaliation is necessary! You can firmly enforce the contractual breach liability and end the cooperative relationship to let the other person know that you are not to be trifled with.

The third stage: Forgiveness or termination of cooperation.

Once the other party knows your bottom line and that you’re not someone to mess with, and if they choose to compromise, hoping to cooperate with you again, should you forgive them?

It’s your choice. If you choose to forgive, the other person is very likely not to cheat again, because you have shown them the cost of betrayal, and they won’t easily give up their interests to pursue fleeting desires.

This is the best game strategy. But how should you specifically deal with infidelity?

Before infidelity: Choose trust, establish rules, clarify consequences.

John Gottman, the marriage guru, explicitly pointed out that infidelity is only a sign of an unhappy (or failed) marriage, not the cause.

In simple terms, infidelity is a result, and the cause of infidelity is still within our marriage.

So, the best way to prevent infidelity is through deep trust and intimacy.

When both of you work hard to nurture your marriage and meet each other’s needs, I believe that no one can destroy your marriage. (This doesn’t include blind trust and indulgence of the other party.)

Note!

Sisters, no matter which stage your marriage is in, before discovering your partner’s infidelity, you should sign a legally binding contract.

You need to tell them what your bottom line is, your views on infidelity, and the consequences if they do betray you.

When you outline these rules, the other person will have to think twice before cheating. Even if they do cheat, are you not afraid?

At least you have secured your interests, and the decision to keep or let go of this person is up to you.

During infidelity: Watch for changes, gather evidence, verify the situation.

In my experience, many instances of infidelity don’t happen all at once; there is a process.

If you notice any of the following signs in a marriage, there may be a risk of infidelity:

First, lying.

You surely know your man’s daily schedule, right? But if he starts using various lies and excuses to fob you off, you should be on your guard. For example, starting to hide his leisure time plans (recently working late or socializing for long periods); interactions with the opposite sex (colleagues, classmates, or friends), etc.

What if you catch him lying?

Don’t panic. First, ask him why he’s doing this. If he keeps evading or even uses a series of lies to deceive you, you should be careful. The fact concealed behind it might be infidelity.

Second, decreased libido.

A decrease in libido doesn’t necessarily mean infidelity. It’s unavoidable as people age and their physiology changes.

But if this decrease in libido isn’t addressed, your relationship could become very dangerous.

After all, many cases of infidelity are largely related to the sexual attraction due to novelty.

Many sisters have discovered their husbands’ infidelity during pregnancy.

So, when you notice a decrease in your partner’s sexual desire, be cautious!

Third, sudden changes in phone passwords or lifestyle habits.

Although I don’t support frequently going through your partner’s phone, as you should trust each other, you can reserve the right to check, like sharing a phone password.

If you find that your partner has suddenly changed their password without informing you, you should be cautious. You must ask your partner for the reason, as they may be hiding something from you.

Also, be wary of the following behavioral changes in your partner:

For example, he used to not care about his appearance, but suddenly started to pay attention to it; he often came home late citing dinner or working overtime; enjoys making secret phone calls; keeps his phone on him at all times; spends a long time in the bathroom before coming out…

Some sisters have asked, what should they do if they find out that he has cheated?

For example, if you find their chat records on their phone, what should you do?

Sisters, don’t panic. Quietly gather evidence, and when you are absolutely sure that he has indeed cheated, you can take the next step.

After confirming infidelity: Make them pay, find the reason, evaluate your choice.

This step is something many sisters don’t want to see.

Yes, I don’t want to see it either.

But it has indeed happened.

When should you confront them?

When you find out that he has cheated, and you have collected evidence of his infidelity, you can confront him.

Regarding confrontation, I have a suggestion: first, clarify our goals, then observe the other person’s attitude, and finally decide what price to make the other person pay.

What is this price?

It refers to the breach of contract terms you agreed upon. For example, you can directly limit the other person’s freedom of action or place certain restrictions on their property, or even control their daily expenses, and maintain the right to check their phone at any time.

Just like the sister Sarah I mentioned earlier, when she found out about her husband’s infidelity, she completely lost trust in him. If her husband had contact with unknown women without letting Sarah know, she would be suspicious.

What should she do?

I suggested that Sarah make an agreement with her husband. If he added the contact information of a stranger without letting Sarah know, it would be considered betrayal.

And the consequence of betrayal is that he leaves with nothing.

All these should be included in the terms!

This is the external constraint. But how to internally restrain him and prevent infidelity in the future?

I advised Sarah to make her husband feel her pain and awaken his empathy.

If they really want to move forward, this isn’t enough. They need to find out the real reason behind the infidelity.

In our conversation, I found that the reason behind Sarah’s husband’s infidelity wasn’t just a lack of physical satisfaction but also had to do with his original family (his father was also a cheater, and he greatly admired his father) and work pressure.

Only by deeply understanding the reasons for the other person’s infidelity can the victim come to a better understanding.

For Sarah and her husband, who didn’t want a divorce, this was their best choice.

After Sarah’s husband understood the deeper reasons behind his infidelity and after a long period of emotional repair, their trust was restored.

Of course, when faced with infidelity, continuing the marriage is not the only choice. Listen to your heart, think carefully about whether this man is worth continuing the marriage, or if you can’t heal the pain in your heart, then divorce may be the better choice for you.

The best way to prevent infidelity—be intimate and trust your partner. But at the same time, we can’t be complacent. Changes in phone passwords, the behavior of partners, all these might be early signs of infidelity.

Sisters, even if he does cheat, don’t panic. Remember, collecting evidence and fighting for your maximum benefit is what’s most important!