More than 80% of people, upon discovering their spouse’s infidelity, will choose to forgive. However, less than 5% are able to truly forgive.

The responsibility for this result does not lie with the betrayed party in need of forgiveness because forgiving infidelity is a difficult spiritual practice.

Many people, upon learning of their spouse’s infidelity, choose to forgive as a reflex or instinctive reaction. The most common scenario is enduring the pain but still saying to the unfaithful partner, “As long as you come back to me, I’ll forgive you, and we can have a good life together…” You see, this is just foolish.

Not to mention, genuine forgiveness is based on the attitude of the other person. If the other person insists on maintaining the affair and is willing to abandon you, how can forgiveness even be discussed?

Furthermore, you might have thought that by simply saying “I forgive you,” you have completed the act of forgiveness. If forgiveness were really that simple, there wouldn’t be so many people suffering from endless pain and heartache.

If you truly want to forgive, you must:

First, let go of the past and refrain from constantly bringing up the betrayal.

If someone truly forgives another person, they would not constantly bring up the past, let alone use the betrayal to constantly torment the other person.

The betrayed may find themselves in a dilemma, holding onto the person who has hurt them, seeking responsibility for their own hurt while emotionally out of control, hoping the other person will take responsibility for their emotions and soothe them. This is actually the wrong approach. Your hurt and emotional turmoil are precisely because of the other person, so it is impossible to find healing in facing them.

The most common thing is to ask the other person questions like, “Do you love me?” Think about how they would respond. Regardless of whether they answer “yes” or “no,” you will not be satisfied and it will only further stimulate your emotions.

So, what should you do at this point? Of course, you should control yourself and manage your emotions.

Second, be prepared to take risks.

An animal’s instinct is to protect itself by curling up when hurt. Similarly, humans, especially emotionally, tend to retract themselves once hurt. In other words, the wholehearted devotion you gave before is now out of fear of being hurt again.

Before, you believed all of the lies, but now, even when they tell the truth, you may not trust them. Before, you could wholeheartedly give, but now you may hesitate. These are the aftereffects of infidelity on a marriage.

So, after an affair, there will be a significant emotional distance and barriers between the two people. Both are actually “testing” each other and even “guarding” against each other.

Protecting oneself is natural, but this kind of distance is definitely not conducive to repairing the relationship, or in other words, it is not forgiveness.

True forgiveness means I need to show genuine forgiveness and, in return, I must be prepared for the possibility of being hurt again.

For example, if they stay out all night and you have no evidence that they are meeting their lover, you can only choose to trust them.

Third, forgiveness is for yourself, not for the other person.

If you focus forgiveness on yourself, you will see it as something that benefits you. It is based on your own needs. I adopt a forgiving attitude because I am a tolerant person. Forgiveness aligns with my values in interacting with others. Furthermore, forgiveness is because I want to forgive, and I do not have any expectations for the outcome of forgiveness. For instance, the result of my forgiveness must be a better marriage! Your partner must come back!

Many people actually place the emphasis of forgiveness on the other person. Therefore, they tend to fall into two extremes: either looking down on the other person with a forgiving attitude from a moral high ground, or looking up to the other person with a humble attitude from an emotional low point. Consequently, they often get caught up in a logic of “I’ve already forgiven you, so shouldn’t you treat me better, or even doubly so?”

If this goal is not achieved, they will feel unfairly treated and the hurt will intensify.

Lastly, do not repeatedly change your mind within the forgiveness period.

If you decide to forgive the other person, then set a time limit, such as three months. During this period, make the maximum effort to forgive the other person and stick to it.

Many people fail to truly forgive because they keep going back and forth. Today, they say they want to forgive the other person, tomorrow they can’t help but want to lash out at the other person, the day after they impulsively talk about divorce with the other person…

Therefore, forgiveness is really not that simple. It not only requires a very good inner quality, but also many favorable conditions, especially the proper response from the person who had the affair.

You might say, isn’t this too pessimistic, making those who have experienced infidelity see no hope in their marriage? Actually, I am reminding those who want to repair their marriage to find the right approach from the beginning, rather than handling it in a panic and using the wrong methods, which will ultimately not improve the situation and may even make it worse.

At the same time, for those who have been betrayed and still cannot complete the act of forgiveness, I want to say that it is not your fault. Because forgiving is truly a difficult spiritual practice, if you really can’t do it, do not blame yourself or make it difficult for yourself.