Encountering the betrayal of emotions, some people sink into it, while others eventually come out and decide whether they can handle the betrayal of emotions alone. Of course, there are many factors that determine this, but beliefs are undoubtedly an important foundation:

• How do you view the other party’s betrayal?
• What do you base your choices on?
• What are your values in dealing with betrayal, and so on? These are all beliefs.

If your beliefs are correct, they will help you handle these issues well. If your beliefs are wrong, even if the betrayal seems to have passed, in reality, you will still be in pain in this relationship, and your remaining life may be difficult to find happiness because of this experience.

In reality, the most common wrong beliefs in dealing with betrayal are as follows:

First, “It’s my fault that he/she betrayed me.”

About this issue, I have written many articles. However, there are still too many people who do not have a clear logic or correct beliefs on this issue.

Whether you are good or not is one issue; whether he/she betrayed you is another issue—there is no necessary causal relationship between the two. In other words, even if you are really not good enough, he/she should not betray you.

So why do many people still hold the belief that “I am not good, so he/she betrayed me”?

One reason is that you want to salvage the relationship, and in order to do so, you need methods and channels, so you will look for reasons and try to prescribe remedies. At this time, the reason found is that “I am not good enough,” and in this way, by adjusting your own behavior to salvage the other person—this psychological structure fundamentally exists because you are reluctant to give up the relationship but cannot find a good way to salvage it, so you approach it from the angle of “not being good enough,” hoping to save the relationship and marriage. However, in reality, this approach will only make you more humble.

The second reason is the influence of the public, with the most important being the person who betrayed you. Encountering betrayal, of course, you will not understand why he/she did this. Then you will question the other party, and out of ten betrayers, nine will not consider themselves selfish or unfeeling, and will attribute the betrayal to you not being good enough, or attribute it to problems in the marriage itself, and they often firmly believe in such attributions. This is certainly a cognitive bias, not to elaborate more on this, but what about his cognitive bias, and you? He is wrong, so are you also wrong?

So who is at fault for the emotional betrayal? First and foremost, it is the one who betrayed the emotions and marriage. If he/she does not think there is a problem, then you should also consider whether your relationship and marriage can still be happy. Even if you salvage it, his cognitive error will still exist and will not be resolved.

Second, “I want a perfect solution.”

When faced with the betrayal of emotions, the first belief that needs to change is that no matter how you respond and handle it, there can be no perfection.

Why do so many people always struggle to get out of the shadow of an affair? It’s because they always try to find a perfect solution, wanting to eliminate the hurt and emotional baggage caused by the other person’s betrayal, without affecting other aspects.

In fact, after experiencing betrayal, no matter how you respond and handle it, there are difficulties and lessons to be resolved and completed. In other words, there are trade-offs, choices, and unbearable pain.

There are only three possible outcomes for a marriage that has experienced betrayal: repairing the relationship, divorce, or failing to repair but not divorcing—no matter what you choose, the goal is to get yourself out of the other person’s betrayal and be able to live your own life well again. So it is not difficult to understand that no matter what you choose, there are problems and nothing is perfect.

Choosing to repair means digesting the other person’s betrayal. Of course, you cannot always dwell on the past. As many people say, this matter is like that thing, but you have to swallow it.

Choosing divorce, needless to say, involves a lot of difficulties and problems to face and solve. Any one problem might cause the divorce to falter.

The most common situation is being unable to improve but not being able to leave. In this case, in order to live a good life, you must first not rely on the other person, and then you must accept this dilemma. What is most feared is being torn between not living well and not leaving. Then every day of your life will surely be filled with pain, conflict, and torment.

Therefore, the key to dealing with emotional betrayal is learning to accept imperfection. Among these imperfections, find a solution that you can relatively accept. If you cannot accept it and cannot digest it, then muster the courage to choose divorce and accept the many imperfections that come with it. The same goes for being unable to improve but not being able to leave. In this case, reduce the proportion of marriage and emotions in your life to the lowest level and accept this imperfection—just like your life is a banquet, with four dishes. In the past, your dietary structure consisted of dish A accounting for 80%, but now, even though dish A is still necessary, you have adjusted and changed it so that dish A only accounts for 10% in your life, and dishes B, C, and D account for 90%.

So, whether something is perfect or not depends on you and what you care about—the so-called imperfections are actually what you care about. If you no longer care, then whether it is perfect or not, you will not care as much.