In social settings, there’s always someone who’s very popular, and everyone is willing to chat with them.

These people are also very appealing on dates, and girls feel comfortable talking to them. You don’t know why, but you want to learn from them.

In fact, what sets these people apart is not their external performance, but their thinking. They have the ability to empathize.

The ability to empathize is not elusive. With a few small tricks, you can make your conversation partner feel like you are considering their feelings during dates and social interactions.

Training the ability to empathize is not just about making conversations more enjoyable. Empathy is one of the three aspects of emotional intelligence. By training yourself to empathize in communication with others, you can integrate empathetic thinking into your mind, and your emotional intelligence will improve imperceptibly.

So, how do you do it?

Once in a café, I overheard a couple on what seemed to be a first date, and I heard the following conversation:

Girl: What do you usually like to do?
Boy: Exercise.
Girl: You like exercising? Do you usually cook for yourself?
Boy: Yeah.
…

At the time, I could tell that the boy wasn’t uninterested in the girl, but was too nervous and didn’t know what to say. He was too focused on the form of the conversation, rather than using it as a way to get to know each other.

Being overly nervous during a conversation can make asking and answering questions rigid and difficult.

This is a lack of empathy, as it results from focusing too much on oneself. During a date, the purpose of conversation is to gather information about the other person and help them understand you.

The more you understand each other, the more you can find common ground and build a connection, increasing likeability.

The more she knows about you, the more secure she feels, and the higher the likelihood of her being attracted to you.

How can you use empathy to achieve this?

Pay Attention to Key Points

During conversations, there are many keywords. They may not be directly related to your current conversation, but if you miss them, you may easily miss an opportunity to get to know each other better.

If you stand in the other person’s shoes, you can analyze the reasons for the key words they use.

For example, when you’re walking and see a dog that’s been shaved, you might find it amusing and joke with the girl, “This shaved dog looks really funny.”

If the girl responds, “This dog probably has a skin disease.”

Using empathy, you should realize that if the girl has no relevant experience with dog skin diseases, the keyword “skin disease” wouldn’t have come up first. Either she has a friend who is a vet, or she has raised a dog herself.

You can ask, “I think you must have raised a dog before, you seem to know a lot about dogs.”

“Saying you know a lot about dogs” is flattery and a fact, and the girl will appreciate it. “I think you must have raised a dog before” is a cold read. It doesn’t matter if it’s wrong; the key is to get feedback from the girl and get more information.

Cold reading is often used in conjunction with finding key points.

Cold reading involves making a guess based on observing the girl, using your own knowledge and experience to start a conversation, eliciting the girl’s thoughts, and then providing targeted agreement, affirmation, and guidance to ultimately bring you closer to the girl.

When using cold reading, it’s best to start with “I feel…” or “I think…”

Key points don’t have to be spoken; they can also be sensed. For example, while walking with a girl , if you notice that she walks very elegantly, you can say, “I think you must have been a model before, you walk very professionally.”

Just like the previous analysis, using reasonable flattery and cold reading, the girl will feel cared for and will be willing to share more information with you.

To understand the other person, find key points in them. Similarly, to let the other person understand you, you can prepare some key points of your own in the conversation.

Girls are good at concealing their needs, unless they really like you, they won’t keep asking questions.

So, from her perspective, you need to make it easier for her to get your information.

For example, my friend Tim used to enjoy talking about coffee with girls on dates. He would talk about how he made dozens of cups of coffee a day, and when the girl was curious, he would bring up his experience of studying in Italy.

This topic has many variations and can be used to talk about professional knowledge of coffee, travel, and customs in foreign countries. No matter what you talk about, it’s easy to further understand each other.

The conversation style of the couple at the beginning of the article clearly lacked attention to asking and answering questions. The boy lacked empathy, answered questions too simply, provided too few key words, and made it difficult for the girl to continue the conversation.

From your own perspective, you did answer the girl’s questions, but from her perspective, you would find that answering questions this way makes it very difficult for her to continue the conversation.

It’s actually very simple to change this. After answering the other person’s question, add a “What about you?” to pass the ball back.

Or when answering questions, say more, like “I have quite a few hobbies, such as exercising, enjoying good food, and reading, but I especially love exercising.”

As for asking questions, there are many ways to show your ability to empathize.

Questions can roughly be divided into closed-ended questions and open-ended questions.

Closed-ended questions require a one-word or one-sentence answer.

“Do you like apples?” “Yes.” 
“Are you from London?” “Yes.”

Open-ended questions allow for many answers based on the respondent’s understanding of the question, leading to many possible follow-up questions.

“What do you think of the male lead in this movie?” “I think…” 
“Why do you like this dish so much?” “Because…”

There are several standards for asking questions:

▲ Ask more open-ended questions and fewer closed-ended questions.

You can combine the two to control the rhythm of the conversation. Closed-ended questions are too simple and lack extension. Even if the other person wants to share more with you, they won’t know how to proceed.

Closed-ended questions can say a lot, but saying too much can be tiring.

So, two open-ended questions, combined with a closed-ended question, and some extension by yourself, can lead to a long conversation in one round.

▲ Ask for details in open-ended questions.

Open-ended topics don’t always yield a lot of information. If your question is too broad, you’re asking the other person to do all the thinking, which is also a lack of empathy.

So, ask for some details to give the other person a starting point.

For example, “What do you think of the United States?”

This question is too broad, and you’re giving the other person the entire task of thinking, which is also a lack of empathy.

So, you can ask some details to give the other person a starting point.

For example, “What do you think of the TV show ‘XXXX’?”

Observing the other person’s words and expressions is a necessary skill in conversation. When you notice that the other person’s eyes are wandering, looking elsewhere, or even starting to play with their phone, you should change the topic. They may not be interested in the current topic, or it may be a sensitive topic for them.

When the conversation becomes very boring, you can either return to a previous topic or extend the keywords from an old topic. This requires you to be careful not to talk about one topic until there’s nothing left to talk about. When the conversation is at its most intense, you can intersperse other topics.

For example, as mentioned earlier, the topic of TV shows can lead to discussions about movies, or about the good food and fun places in the United States.

If the other person starts talking about negative things, or if you don’t want to talk about a certain topic, you can affirm them in your language, then change the topic. Here’s a polite way to interrupt someone’s topic: “Speaking of that, I remember…”

Ultimately, the conversation style based on empathy is a method to avoid making each other feel awkward.

Keywords are meant to make the other person feel cared for and to give the other person points to care about you. Paying attention to asking questions is meant to make the conversation flow more smoothly and to make the other person comfortable, while also making yourself comfortable.

But these are all “techniques” to solve the problem at the “skill” level, and they are very effective and have an immediate impact. But the core of truly solving the problem of conversation lies in “art.” Are you really considering the other person, and do you really want to have a friendly, mutually understanding communication?

I hope everyone can enjoy the pleasure of conversation and getting to know others.