If you experience betrayal in a relationship, the biggest dilemma is often whether to divorce or not. Staying means enduring pain that is hard to heal, while leaving brings fear of not doing well alone and worrying about the children’s future.
In reality, dealing with betrayal in a relationship is not as simple as deciding to divorce or not. There are more issues to handle behind the scenes. If not handled well, neither staying nor leaving will lead to a good outcome. If handled properly, whether to leave or stay actually doesn’t matter that much.
What is divorce? It’s when you realize there’s no happy future with someone, and you are confident and capable of facing the challenges of divorce. At this point, you choose to end the relationship.
Many times, even if you think you should leave, you may not have the determination or ability to do so.
For those who have been betrayed, I advise them to shift their focus from the question of “to leave or not to leave” to a deeper and broader perspective on dealing with the aftermath of betrayal.
Why does betrayal plunge you into pain, confusion, and insecurity? These are the deeper issues that need to be addressed. Recognizing and resolving these issues is the real solution.
Betrayal inflicts serious harm on a relationship. If there were levels of hurt in the world of emotions, betrayal would surely be at the top.
So, when you feel pain, remember, it’s the nature of emotions—betrayal will bring you pain, as pain is a part of emotions.
After many years of marriage, the emotional bond runs deep. Betrayal is a wound to the soul, invisible to others. People may think you are overreacting, but experiencing betrayal can make you feel abnormal for a while; feelings of sadness, despair, pessimism, or hysteria are all common reactions.
Many people dislike their state of mind after betrayal and want to end it quickly. However, the focus shifts from managing emotions to deciding between divorce or forgiveness.
In the initial stages of betrayal, the focus should be on two things: learning to coexist with your emotions and managing them. These lessons are not about staying in or leaving a marriage but are essential to face and overcome on your own.
In the second stage of coping with betrayal, once your emotions stabilize, you must learn to be independent and let go of dependence on the other person and the relationship.
Why does betrayal make you anxious? It creates a great sense of insecurity within you. Before experiencing betrayal, everyone has some level of dependence on marriage and relationships, but betrayal shatters the feeling of security.
Living each day without security is torture. People often seek to repair the relationship and regain the sense of security after betrayal. Unfortunately, for some betrayers, they may never provide that sense of security again. Even if they do, rebuilding that trust takes time.
The fundamental issue is that if you rely on others for your sense of security, you will never truly feel secure.
To resolve this, you must quickly become independent, learn to rely on yourself, and create your own sense of security.
Many people struggle to provide themselves with a sense of security. In essence, it boils down to this: work on creating what you hope to receive from others. Identify where you still rely on others and work on building that reliance within yourself.
Letting go of dependence on others and establishing self-reliance is the key to dealing with betrayal.
These lessons have nothing to do with divorce. Once you complete them and then consider divorce, you may find yourself less anxious. Do you know why?
The rush to decide on divorce originally stemmed from feeling “weak,” which affected your “ability to control the situation.” Let’s use a different analogy:
When a store has a sale, you constantly debate whether to buy something because you lack money. If you were truly wealthy, you wouldn’t feel rushed about whether to buy something expensive or cheap—you could afford it either way.