Do you ever notice the following behavior from your ex?
- Sending holiday greetings or wishing you a happy birthday occasionally.
- Simply asking how you’re doing and exchanging a few pleasantries.
- Seeking help, such as asking for assistance with shopping, buying things, or booking tickets.
- Asking questions about work, stocks, tourist spots, etc.
- Based on your social media content, asking corresponding questions, such as if you’re hospitalized, inquiring about your illness, etc.
- Occasionally liking or commenting on your social media posts.
- Knowing you’ve started a new relationship and sending special wishes, or asking if you’ve found a new boyfriend.
Many heartbroken individuals often interpret such varied forms of contact as a sign that their ex still harbors feelings for them and desires a reconciliation. As a result, they actively engage and even express a desire to reconcile.
However, what happens next completely catches them off guard, leaving them confused and at a loss!
They realize that their ex has suddenly vanished, doesn’t wish to reconcile, claims to have moved on, and may even exhibit extreme rejection behavior, such as blocking or deleting contacts, or making hurtful remarks.
At this point, the heartbroken individuals begin to feel sad, angry, resentful, and unwilling to accept the situation. Paradoxically, they become even more eager for reconciliation and the love of their ex.
They also harbor the question: If he wants to reconcile and hasn’t let go of me, why doesn’t he want to reconcile?
But why?
The question itself, and every word within it, is wrong!
Because these actions don’t mean he still loves you, hasn’t let go, or wants to reconcile. I’m sorry to say this, but it’s just your subjective speculation!
The truth is, when he behaves this way, he has only one purpose: to confirm if he still holds a place in your heart and to continue to tug at your heartstrings, making you keep on loving him.
So, why does he need you to continue loving him? (Or why does he need to contact you?)
First, everyone has a need to be noticed, accepted, and loved.
Many people believe that if their ex no longer loves them, then their ex shouldn’t need their love. So, when I say “he contacts you to confirm if you still love him and to make you continue loving him,” many people become confused and even skeptical.
Here’s a common example: If a girl has a very ardent admirer who pursued her passionately for six months, and then he got a girlfriend and disappeared, the girl is bewildered and feels lost, upset, and even jealous. She wonders if she’ll accept the guy and finds that the answer is no. She’s still unwilling to be with him, so why is she feeling jealous?
Her underlying thought is: You must continue loving me, and you must continue being my fan.
You see, this is a human need. We need acceptance, attention, and love. It’s just like how we need to eat when hungry and drink when thirsty.
Your ex also has this need. He hopes to continue being loved and cared for by you, to remain the only one in your heart, and to continue being your sweetheart, even if he doesn’t love you anymore.
This is human nature, selfish and self-serving.
Second, being loved is a powerful affirmation of self-worth.
When abandoned, we often have thoughts like “I’m unlovable,” “I have nothing,” and “I’m worthless.” A breakup is a negation of our value; being dumped means we are rejected, and everything about us is denied. This leads to prolonged emotional depression, feelings of insignificance, and a sense of worthlessness.
In contrast, being loved is a powerful affirmation of self-worth. If someone likes you, it proves that you’re valuable, beautiful, capable, and attractive. It strengthens and perfects your positive self-concept, making you like yourself.
For example, a girl recently told me that she wants plastic surgery because she found that no men liked her during blind dates, which made her feel very dejected and self-doubting. On the other hand, a guy told me that he’s feeling great lately because two girls at the gym have shown a willingness to get to know him better.
One is unliked and feels worthless, while the other is loved and feels supremely confident.
It’s evident that being loved can make you feel good about yourself, providing a strong affirmation of your value.
Your ex also needs this. If you continue to love him, it makes him feel good and validates his worth. That’s why he needs you to continue loving him.
Third, the scarcity principle: The scarcer, the more coveted, the more faced with the loss of scarcity, the more you want to possess.
People naturally fear loss and are more emotionally stimulated when they suddenly experience scarcity after having had plenty.
For example, when you’re hesitating to buy a coat and someone else tries to grab it, you might just buy it. A supermarket advertising a day-long mega sale can make you spend without hesitation.
In emotions, it’s the same.
When you have a new love, your ex faces a shift from plenty to scarcity. He fears that you’ll retract your love, so he contacts you to provoke you and keep your love flowing for him.
Fourth, everyone has a tendency to protect their self-interest and maintain a rich and intact self.
Believe me, when you love him, in his eyes, you belong to him. You provide him with a continuous supply of love, attention, and even money, and you’re willing to go to great lengths for him. When you haven’t shown love for him for a long time, he confirms if he still occupies a place in your heart and if you’re still willing to love him, and he wants to be your sole proprietor.
So, this is why he contacts you.
Fifth, the difference in male and female parental investment leads to different approaches to exes.
Parental investment refers to the amount and type of investment an individual makes in each offspring. Males can provide millions of sperm, while females can only provide around 400 eggs in a lifetime. In reproductive matters, due to the limited reproductive opportunities for females, males are more willing to cast a wide net. If a man has ten female backups, he has ten opportunities to reproduce.
Therefore, males are very willing and eager for females to continue loving them.
This is one of the differences between men and women, which is why you find that men who have been dumped are more likely to come back to their exes than women. However, this doesn’t mean that women who have dumped someone won’t come back, which is covered in the first four points.
The above explains why your ex contacts you and the primary reasons behind it.
So, when he contacts you and then disappears, becomes cold, or rejects you, there’s no doubt about it!