▍Over time, “you gradually become speechless.”
When you first get together with someone, you always seem to have endless things to talk about. Even if you talk for three days and three nights, you feel like it’s not enough. The other person is like a magic hat. If you put your hand in, there are always countless surprises waiting for you.
However, as time goes by, the more familiar you are with each other, the less unknown you will be, and the novelty of each other will decrease over time.
In the past, when I went out with my partner, I would dress up carefully and even change my clothes several times in front of the mirror. When I ate, I would always feel full after eating a little. But now, even if you don’t wash your face and hair for three days, you won’t feel shy when you see each other. When you eat, you wolf down like a refugee. Farting and burping are common.
You gradually become speechless. In the past, we wanted to stay together 24 hours a day. Now, even if we are in the same room, we still do our own thing.
Why do two people become more and more boring after being together for a long time?
▍In what dimensions can the boredom between two people be divided into? 3 psychological reasons
The so-called boredom has three dimensions: one is the slowdown in self-extension, the other is the reduction in satisfaction, and the third is the reduction in passion.
When we talk about feeling material in a relationship, it is often the case that there is a problem in one of the three dimensions, causing problems in the other dimensions as well.
- Self-extension slows down
According to the core idea of the self-extension model of human motivation, we are attracted to partnerships that expand our interests, skills, and experiences. Novel activities, the development of new talents, and the acquisition of new ideas and perspectives are inherently satisfying.
And this is why two people felt extremely happy when they first fell in love. When two independent individuals first get together, there will be a feeling that their lives have been extended, and you can share each other’s life experiences, thoughts and perspectives. The part you have in common is very small.
Every time the other person shares is expanding the breadth and depth of your life. You know that the other person grew up in a single-parent family and understands the difficulty of a single-parent family. You listen to him talk about his career, and then you know what the work content of this career is. What, the other party takes you to your favorite coffee shop for afternoon tea. You have never known this shop before, and you didn’t expect the environment to be so good. After watching the movie, you burst into tears. You just think the movie is touching, but the other person tells you who the director of the movie is and where there are logical loopholes…
When you start to get to know each other better and better, self-extension tends to slow down. Most of your life experiences overlap, the intersection becomes larger and larger, and the parts that can be expanded are also getting smaller. At this time, many people You will feel that two people together start to become a bit dull and boring.
- Decreased satisfaction
In any kind of interpersonal relationship: love, family affection, and friendship, there are rewards and costs. Interdependence theory holds that we seek relationships that provide the greatest value at the least cost, and we will only maintain close relationships with partners who can provide sufficient benefits.
The rewards when two people are together are both emotional and material. Emotionally, it can be a feeling of romance and happiness, and materially, it can be a gift from the other person on Valentine’s Day. The price is the material and emotional cost you pay for this relationship.
And our satisfaction in an intimate relationship is actually determined by the difference between the outcome of the interaction and the comparison level. The so-called comparison level refers to the result value we think we should get in our interactions with others.
In an intimate relationship, you will find that as we give more, our requirements and expectations for each other will also increase. When you first get together, if the other person helps you carry a bag, you will think that he is really considerate. If the other person cooks a meal for you, you will think that she is really virtuous.
And the two have been together for a long time. You will take it for granted that the other person helps you carry a bag, and you also hope that he will remember every meaningful day between you. It becomes normal for the other person to cook for you. In addition, it would be better if the laundry, dishes, and mopping are all taken care of.
In addition, after two people have been together for a long time, the behavior of expressing kindness and love to each other will be reduced by half. People begin to stop trying so hard to “please” each other and make them feel considerate, romantic, and happy. Instead, he said, “We’ve been together for so long, there’s no need.” It wasted a lot of opportunities that could have been used to express one’s love to the other person.
When we raise our demands on our partners and take their contributions as a matter of course, and on the other hand we are stingy in giving and omit opportunities to express consideration and love, the satisfaction of the intimate relationship will become lower and lower.
- Reduced passion
The reason why we feel romantic in an intimate relationship is mainly due to three influencing factors: fantasy, novelty and arousal.
These three factors will decrease and disappear over time.
The Coolidge Effect comes from a story. U.S. President Calvin Coolidge once visited a chicken farm with his wife. Mrs. Coolidge noticed that a rooster was lying on the hen one after another. President Coolidge thought for a moment and said: “That’s more than one.” A hen”.
The frequency of sexual intercourse is usually one of the indicators of passion in an intimate relationship. In surveys of Americans and Germans’ sexual behavior, it can be seen that the average frequency of sexual intercourse between couples continues to decrease as time increases in marriage. However, changing partners increased their frequency of sexual intercourse.
We can understand that romance and intimacy are mutually exclusive. The longer two people are together, the closer their relationship becomes and the less romance they feel.
Couples who are passionately in love are often very passionate, and it doesn’t matter how many times a day they have sex. However, as the relationship lasts longer, male desire will begin to decline, sexual intercourse will become less frequent, and it will gradually become a task.
Many women think that having less frequent intercourse is no big deal, but in fact, intercourse can maintain and even promote passion between couples to a certain extent.
To explain it in economics, it means diminishing marginal utility. When you’ve been with the other person for a long time, a kiss from the other person can no longer make you blush and your heart beats, and some of the other person’s thoughtful actions are no longer worthy of being recorded in your diary. The happiness that can be felt psychologically and through the senses will become bland and tasteless like milk mixed with water.
▍”Looks a little desperate.” Is there no other way?
It seems a bit hopeless. Any intimate relationship seems to gradually become dull, boring and boring over time. However, there are some things we can do to make relationships a little more interesting.
Get out of the “comfort zone” in intimate relationships
In intimate relationships, many people treat love as a “routine” and daily activities become fixed items: go to the movies on weekends, have a good meal on anniversaries, the restaurant is fixed, the route is fixed, even Kissing and hugging became a pattern.
Two people repeatedly do the same activities, which is easy and effortless. They only need to do things that are familiar to each other, mistakenly thinking that this is a “security”. Staying in the comfort zone for too long will make both of you feel like you are standing still, unable to move forward.
However, many “surprises” and “accidents” in intimate relationships come from places outside the comfort zone. Whether the two of them change to a new restaurant to eat or try new activities, they will give each other a growing sense of richness and fulfillment.
Make pleasing each other a daily task
Lovers who have been together for a long time are often very casual in front of each other, and they can live in various festivals. In the past, I would dress up carefully and prepare surprises to please the other person, but now I am very polite if I don’t make the other person angry, so why bother to please?
Think about what you can do to make the other person happy, then do one small thing every day that makes the other person feel happy and happy. This requirement is not high. Making a cup of tea for each other or giving each other a massage are very simple things, but they will make partners feel loved and cared for when they get along.
When your partner feels pleased by you, according to the principle of reciprocity, he will be more considerate to you in daily life to “repay” your efforts.
Pleasing creates a virtuous cycle in an intimate relationship.
Increase “sexual attraction” to your partner
As the name suggests, sexual attraction is the attraction to opposite-sex partners, which causes the opposite sex (usually mainly the opposite sex) to develop admiration and liking, stimulate the other person’s sexual desire, and desire to have a relationship. Research shows that the more lasting a woman’s “sexual” attraction is, the greater her own charm will be, the more harmonious her sexual relationship will be, and the more stable her family will be.
For partners, if they see each other naked, without brushing their teeth or washing their faces, farting and burping, their “sexual attraction” to each other will also weaken. But you can still increase your “sexual attraction” to your partner through some arousal techniques.
Create an atmosphere.
We will feel excited in some more romantic scenes. By escaping from the trivial daily life, occasionally having candlelight dinners, and drinking some red wine together, people can regain the feeling of love for their partner.
Improve personal image.
For those who have been in a relationship or married for a long time and no longer take care of themselves, it is a kind of self-abandonment in an intimate relationship. No matter how long you have been together, you still need self-management and control. This is not only respect for your partner, but also the most basic requirement for yourself.
In fact, love is not continuous. On the contrary, love is composed of countless “heartbeat” moments and daily trivialities.
When we feel that the days are getting more and more boring, it is actually because the “heartbeat” has not appeared for a long time, and all that can be felt is the trivial life. Love requires each “heartbeat” moment, and these “heartbeat” moments are the lasting pacemaker of love.