We’ve found the reason why you haven’t been able to identify your relationship for so long…
Recently, a friend of mine was considering whether to start a relationship. For this reason, he sent me messages every day, thinking about it for several weeks. As a former senior Neptune, dating in the past was like a marquee. Now that he is over 30, when he really starts to consider a relationship with the purpose of marriage, he is at a loss.
This time, he liked this girl. But there were many things that made him hesitate and struggle, such as:
My ex-girlfriends are all very sassy. Do you remember the girl who sent me to the emergency room? But what do you say about this girl? She is so different from them. She is so well-behaved that I doubt whether such a girl really exists. ️🤔
To be honest, this kind of personality is very suitable for marriage, and my family will definitely like it, but I am always afraid that we will not be able to get along with her.
She is too young, nearly a year younger than me. When she is willing to marry me, I am afraid that my physical strength will not be good😳
Even if you are really married, will you be recognized as a grandfather if you send your child to study?
…
Just like that, my ears are almost calloused.
When you are young, love seems to be very simple. If two people like each other, they will be together without thinking, and even want to make a private life.
But I don’t know whether it’s because of age or a problem of this era. People nowadays are really more entangled in the choice of intimate relationships than before.
We talked to a few fan friends who had questions in this regard. Today I will sort out with you several aspects worth thinking about in intimate relationships. I hope this article can help people who are still hesitant about intimate relationships.
The entanglement in intimate relationships essentially comes from the uncertainty in intimate relationships.
In fact, it is normal and common to be entangled in changes in intimate relationships.
Psychologists Knobloch and Solomon (1998) pointed out that during the transition stage of relationship development—for example, when people develop from an ambiguous relationship to a formal love relationship, or when lovers formally agree on an engagement—we will be particularly Attention to uncertainty in relationships.
Uncertainty in intimate relationships refers to the fact that we have no clear confidence in ourselves and the extent to which the other party can “participate” and “contribute” in the relationship.
One important thing during the transitional stages of a relationship is to make a commitment, and before committing, we take a closer look at ourselves, the other person, and the relationship. My good friend mentioned at the beginning of the article, through examination, he realized the huge uncertainty, which in turn caused an emotional burden on himself.
The researchers further divided the uncertainty in the relationship into three different aspects. If you happen to be struggling with a relationship, you might as well take a look and see where the uncertainty that affects you comes from.
1. Self-uncertainty
Uncertainty about oneself in a relationship refers to a person who does not know enough about what kind of relationship he needs at the moment and what kind of partner he would be more compatible with, so he feels confused and unclear.
Common uncertainties about oneself include whether one wants an intimate relationship at the moment, whether one is suitable for monogamy or an open relationship, etc.
High self-uncertainty will make a person unwilling to reveal his heart, afraid to express his feelings at the moment, worried that his current feelings are wrong, and afraid to make choices and decisions about relationships.
2. Partner-uncertainty
Uncertainty about one’s partner is easier to understand. It generally refers to a person’s inability to clearly judge his partner’s views on himself, his views on love, and his motivations for starting or persisting in a relationship.
The saying “If you take it seriously, you will lose” is popular because everyone is afraid that in the end, they will get the wrong idea, which will only cause embarrassment. There is another common type of uncertainty about your partner: you are worried that the other person is just a friend to you and does not want to develop a romantic relationship.
It should be pointed out that the popularity of dating apps has allowed young people to come into contact with a wider group of people trying to get married. As a result, they have more open choices, but their mutual uncertainty has also become stronger.
Online mate selection does make people feel greater uncertainty (Gibbs et al., 2011): sometimes they are not sure whether the other person is truly invested in the relationship and is willing to develop it into a long-term stable relationship, or whether it is just a relationship. Falling in love is casually used as a way to relieve stress and escape loneliness.
3. Relationship uncertainty
Uncertainty about the relationship itself refers to a person feeling uneasy about the nature and development of the relationship.
If a person can be sure that he really wants to be with the other person, and can also be sure that the other person will be willing to be with him, he may still encounter the uncertainty brought about by the relationship.
For example, this relationship may affect both parents and may be opposed by them; or having a stable and intimate relationship may affect career development, etc. Problems caused by relationships can also make people feel entangled.
Being too entangled in the uncertainty in intimate relationships will make us lose the possibility of love.
A good intimate relationship requires us to understand ourselves and each other to a certain extent. But paying too much attention to uncertainty and spending too much energy on analysis and hesitation will affect our understanding of the other party and our relationship experience.
Research shows that our risk-averse instinct in the face of uncertainty causes us to pay too much attention to the other person’s shortcomings in this state, or to things that may be risk points for us in the relationship. As a result, we lower our evaluation of the other person and the relationship.
When people face uncertainty in an intimate relationship, they are more likely to have some negative emotional reactions in the relationship, common ones including anxiety, confusion and anger. Ambiguity can leave us unsettled and stuck in long-term negative emotions, and as a result, we may lose our original curiosity and passion for the development of relationships (Theiss, 2011).
People who are too entangled in the uncertainty in intimate relationships may have made the biggest mistake: viewing themselves, the other party, and the relationship in intimate relationships as a “determined outcome”, and their repeated scrutiny is to better understand these. Determine what the outcome will be so you can make a decision once and for all.
But in fact, our relationship is always a dynamic development process. Your own or the other person’s thoughts at the moment may not change due to the real relationship between the two people and the influence of the other person on themselves; whether this relationship can bring positive impact to each other is the result of the joint management and efforts of the two people.
The present will not last forever, and each other is repeatedly entangled in the present. It is better to invest in the relationship together to see its true development.
Stop worrying about love, you can do the following things
1. Face the truth
We encourage everyone to have the courage to ask the other person directly the questions you are most uncertain about, trusting that your relationship is capable of carrying such communication—and if not, you have at least learned more about the reality of the relationship.
2. Make realistic attempts with uncertainty
Some uncertainties cannot be eliminated without investing time and effort—you and the other person may not have a clear enough answer at the moment. Only by truly investing time and emotion for the other person can you find an answer that is unique to you. In fact, the number of people you can meet in your life that you like and have the opportunity to be with is very limited. Seizing opportunities is much more important than rational analysis.
3. Love in the present, don’t worry about the future
Theiss (2017) states in her book that the only certain thing in an intimate relationship is that the relationship is uncertain.
What you need to understand is that uncertainty is a normal part of life. We don’t need to stop and struggle because we feel uncertain, because when we struggle, we waste precious and real life.
If you decide to choose to live facing the truth of life, you must work hard to cultivate yourself and live in this moment forever. Grab what you can and enjoy what you can enjoy.
Love is a lesson we must learn in life. Rather than hesitating and entangled, only by bravely expressing and facing the risks of love will our ability to love improve, and we will finally master the ability to stay with our lover for a lifetime.
As the saying goes, “When doing happy things with a lover, don’t ask whether it’s fate or destiny.” I hope that friends who read this can regain some of the courage to face love when they were young, with less hesitation and more fearlessness.
Living is a life of living with uncertainty. We often say follow your heart, but in the face of love, sometimes following your body is a more powerful decision-making wisdom.
Kisses between lovers often contain indescribable feelings and emotions, and can even help us find the original intention of loving each other in the chaos. Embrace uncertainty, try to break through uncertainty, trust our bodies, and trust the most authentic feelings in the moment.