Many people think that love is instinctive, something we’re born with. In reality, what comes naturally is just liking someone. To truly reach the level of love, we need to learn and understand it.
We naturally like someone, and when we do, we want to possess and demand, almost instinctively. Love, on the other hand, is relative to rationality. It is a conscious effort for a person to transcend the narrowness of instinct through self-reflection and discipline, in order to attain greater spiritual pleasure. Love is a manifestation of a person’s spiritual strength, and it is also an ability that needs to be learned. Not everyone truly possesses the ability to love.
People easily mistake their desires, emotions, and disturbed minds for love.
Misunderstanding of Love 1: Selfish Love
Everyone has the need to love and be loved. We know we should love others, but our approach is wrong. Our love is too limited. When we passionately talk about loving the country and the nation, we ultimately realize that we actually only love ourselves.
In a speech in Sydney in 2017, Rinpoche gave an example:
“Many Buddhists get angry when they hear others talk about Buddhism. In reality, they don’t love Buddhism, they love themselves. When they love Buddhism, they love the sect to which they belong. Perhaps they belong to Tibetan Buddhism, then they love Tibetan Buddhism. Within Tibetan Buddhism, there are different sects, and they love their own sect. Under their sect, there are different temples, and they love their temple. It continues to narrow down until it reaches themselves. What they truly love is themselves.”
True love is pure, just like the way Buddha loves all beings. He does not discriminate whether you are a Christian, a Buddhist, or have no faith at all.
Misunderstanding of Love 2: Aggressive Love
Our love often comes with aggression. We love someone and want them to act in a certain way. If they don’t live up to our expectations, we become angry and complain, trying to mold them. This kind of love becomes a shackle, even a prison.
We love so hard, and the ones we love suffer greatly because of it. If love brings suffering, it means love has gone bad.
As mentioned earlier, one of the elements of love is respect. Without respect, our care and sense of responsibility can easily turn into a desire for control. We say “it’s all for your own good” while using the name of love to control and reshape others.
What is respect? Respect is being able to recognize the independence and individuality of others, allowing and helping them to develop in their own way, rather than making them serve us.
Misunderstanding of Love 3: Falling in Love with Your Own Fantasy
When we like someone, we often don’t fully understand them. At this point, we only love the fantasy in our own minds. We interpret their actions, a process that already includes a lot of subjectivity and judgment. So, what attracts us may not necessarily be something that truly exists, but simply our own beautiful imagination.
As we get to know the person more, we find that what originally attracted us seems to diminish, or even disappear. Many things about the person do not match our imagination. And so we become disappointed, complaining that they have changed, getting angry at ourselves for misjudging the person, and various negative emotions erupt.
Or, we think that the relationship is a certain way, but that’s just our unilateral understanding, not necessarily how the other person sees it. When the fantasy is shattered one day, we fall into extreme pain, even feeling deceived.
In reality, many times, we are the ones deceiving ourselves.
Misunderstanding of Love 4: Excessive Dependence on Love
Relying entirely on others for our happiness and well-being means there can be no real love.
Indian philosopher Krishnamurti once said:
“The soul can only walk alone, because we all have the ability to decide our own direction, but we do not have the ability to control the paths of others. If you insist on dragging others onto your life’s path, or if you forcefully enter someone else’s world, the end result can only be one of two things: either waiting to die in your own world, or being torn apart in someone else’s world.”
So, have you fallen into the trap of the misunderstandings of love?
Selfishness is innate, but selflessness requires cultivation and learning. If we let instinctive love prevail, it often comes with selfishness. So, how do we love correctly? Stay tuned for the next article.