Over-accommodation in Marriage, Sometimes Divorce is Happiness
Whether it’s a couple or a married couple, without trust, it’s impossible to stay together. In the emotional world of marriage, even the best love begins with a commitment. The fear is that the commitment is to more than one person and is seen as a responsibility.
There’s a very practical saying in life, if regret could change things, the world would be without sadness. In the world of marriage, sadness is everywhere. Some choose to endure, some choose to leave. Some have to endure, some have to leave.
Certainly, the feeling of divorce is quite sad, but sometimes leaving someone can also be a kind of relief. Although the choice is agonizing, if you fall in love with a scumbag, you still can’t hold onto the marriage.
Not long ago, I met a lady: before the divorce, she thought she would be sadder after the divorce, so she didn’t dare to leave. After the divorce, she gradually realized that a certain man was not worth saving.
For her, it was fortunate to have divorced; otherwise, even after a few more years, it would have just been enduring more pain. After enduring enough pain, the relationship still ended.
1. He’s My Husband, and He Said He Owes Other Women
This lady told me her emotional experience, full of regrets about her choices, as follows:
Hi, I want to tell you my story. I’ve been divorced for 2 years and increasingly grateful that I left my scumbag husband.
Many people say that women who endure everything are foolish, but we women aren’t foolish; life is just too helpless, and there are too many things we can’t let go of. I’m that “foolish” woman who married him for love, only to later discover his selfish side.
He was two-faced, married to me, but loving another woman outside. For the sake of our family, I endured all sorts of compromises and suffering, hoping he would change.
However, he continued to hurt my self-esteem time and time again, often staying out all night. Later, he not only became lazy but also constantly looked distressed, always saying sorry to the woman who loved him. He also said he felt bad seeing her not doing well and had a responsibility to provide her with warmth.
I thought, is my husband crazy? I am his wife, why does he apologize to other women! Why does he want to provide warmth to someone else? What am I to him?
Honestly, because we are husband and wife, I could accept his mistakes. I did forgive him for staying out late a few times over the years, but I couldn’t accept that he loved someone else. I endured to this extent, and he still didn’t repent, even wanting a divorce.
He thought I wouldn’t dare to divorce, but I couldn’t bear such a life anymore. What good could I expect from this scumbag! Even with tears in my eyes, I had to leave him.
This lady’s emotional experience is worth pondering for many women who have gone through similar sadness. Sometimes, you should learn to console yourself. If love has shifted, and if you can’t see a future, it’s better to think more openly and stay away from scumbags.
2. There’s a Kind of Scumbag Who Takes His Wife’s Efforts for Granted
Let’s call this lady Lanny, who is now 35 years old and has been divorced for almost 2 years. Lanny’s marriage started out like many ordinary women’s marriages, but her husband changed his mind later. After enduring all the suffering she could, she finally let go and divorced her husband.
Talking about that marriage, Lanny was a seemingly happy woman at first. During their years of dating, she spent money on him, treating him to meals, shopping, movies, and buying him phones and computers.
In Lanny’s words: During those years of dating, I paid for everything, even when he stayed out overnight. I knew his family’s financial situation wasn’t good, so since I loved him, I wanted to treat him well. Sometimes, I would even make concessions after quarrels. Love is not about worthiness, it’s about willingness. Although my family’s situation wasn’t good either, for love, I willingly treated him well.
People say, I give myself to you, just hope you’ll be with me for life. This is the simplest rule of love, but behind simple love rules are complex human hearts.
In many marital families, imagined happiness always comes with a bit of entanglement. Lanny is entangled, as although she married him, he didn’t consider her the most important person.
Lanny said: I still remember, on our engagement day, he was very unhappy, saying he couldn’t let go of his ex-girlfriend. On the day of our wedding photoshoot, he was still unhappy, as if he couldn’t let go of his ex-girlfriend. I felt very uncomfortable. I told him if he wanted to go back, we could break up earlier, and I wouldn’t stop him. He was scared and said it was just a joke, and kept apologizing to me.
After 4 years of dating, Lanny finally married him. She originally thought life would improve after marriage, but it became more unreasonable after the wedding.
Lanny said: All my efforts were because I loved him, but he couldn’t see my efforts. He always took my kindness for granted. He only thought about himself and never considered my feelings. I gradually felt he was very selfish, but we had a child, so what else could I do? I had to endure it and hope he would treat me sincerely.
3. The Sacrifice in Marriage Doesn’t Include Endurance
As the years passed, Lanny gradually felt aggrieved after her marriage. Occasionally, she could hear her husband complaining, saying they shouldn’t have married so hastily.
In Lanny’s narrative, especially after their child started school, her husband became increasingly indifferent to the family! While she was devoted to him, he was infatuated with another divorced woman!
Because of that woman, he was no longer content with his comfortable life and constantly fantasized about “taking responsibility” for that woman for the rest of his life! As for that woman, Lanny naturally knew her. She was her husband’s ex-girlfriend, who had dumped him. He was delusional, always thinking she still loved him.
Lanny said: He’s too self-absorbed. Five years ago, he completely changed, turning “betrayal” into a responsibility. Especially after his ex-girlfriend’s divorce, he kept saying she was pitiful, always saying he had promised her and should love her for the rest of his life. He also said he didn’t want to see her suffer, and it was his responsibility to provide her warmth. I felt like I was hearing a huge irony and joke. What does his ex-girlfriend’s divorce have to do with him? Why should he be responsible for her for life? What about me and our child!
From his change of heart 5 years ago to the divorce 2 years ago, for about 3 years, Lanny kept making concessions. She hoped her husband would become rational and change his mind. Her husband also knew he was wrong and apologized to Lanny after every argument. Unfortunately, after the apology, it wasn’t long before he forgot his promises.
Lanny said: Three years ago, when I found out he met his ex-girlfriend, it hurt me deeply. I always thought they were just chatting online, never thought it would escalate to a meeting! I endured the marriage for him, what was it all for? He adamantly denied a relationship with his ex-girlfriend, always insisting their relationship was pure. But I was truly hurt, not knowing the meaning of staying with him. I admit I love him, but my love isn’t for enduring emotional harm; it’s for living a good life together.
4. Only After Divorce Did I Realize How Small-Minded I Was
Starting 3 years ago, Lanny’s marriage became a “torment” in people’s eyes. Her husband not only became lazy but also often stayed out at night. Sometimes he would even threaten to divorce her, and after an emotional outburst, he would ask Lanny for money.
Lanny said: How could he ask me for money? He ate and drank on my dime, and the child’s expenses were mine too. He was even reluctant to buy clothes, saving money to spend on someone else. For the sake of the child, I could endure for a year or two, but I wouldn’t endure forever. If he truly loved his ex-girlfriend, I would admire his devotion. But him, he’s two-timing. Being played by his ex-girlfriend, he was dizzy, wanting apples and bags. She just used him as a backup, and he was still self-absorbed! He would cry and say he owed that woman, regretting marrying me.
Regarding the divorce, Lanny said: Later, he often asked for money, saying it wasn’t enough. I could give it, but at least let me know what you need it for. You earn $4,100 a month, I earn $3,300, how can you not have enough? That day, I didn’t give it to him, and he almost hit me. He said if I didn’t give it, he would divorce me, and no one would regret it.
Lanny said: How did I fall for someone like him? I also thought about not living with him, but the thought of life after divorce made me worry. When I finally agreed to divorce after enduring all I could, he said he wouldn’t give me our child. I accepted his request and let him have the child. He saw I didn’t want the child and said he would give the child to me. If he really did, I could accept it. He finally got scared, humiliated himself, and even knelt down to apologize. I forgave him, but a few days later, he messed up again, saying he wanted to give his ex-girlfriend one last explanation; she wasn’t doing well, and he should help her.
In Lanny’s narrative, in the last six months of her marriage, the word “divorce” was always on her husband’s lips. She kept making concessions, but instead of restraining himself, he became more overbearing. Maybe he thought Lanny wouldn’t dare to divorce, but after hearing advice from a friend, she did divorce him.
Lanny once said: It’s all because my mind was too small, always unable to break free from the circle of “family responsibilities.” After the divorce, I realized, what family did I have? Was that still called a family? He didn’t consider me family, and he didn’t care about the child! Rather than staying with him, I’d rather live alone.
5. Marrying the Wrong Person is Sadder Than Not Marrying at All
Experienced people understand that there’s a lot of unnecessary sadness in relationships. Unfortunately, many people only understand it when reminiscing afterward.
Lanny said: I gradually understood that it wasn’t someone else who hurt me too deeply, but that I accommodated a scumbag too much and was bound by the false responsibility of marriage. Before the divorce, he saw my determination, and finally said a lot of harsh words. He said he’d make me regret it in the future, that I wouldn’t be able to keep up, and that he already had the woman who loved him most. He said someone would regret it, but it wouldn’t be him.
In Lanny’s narrative, she was quite sad at the time and almost gave up on the divorce. If her husband hadn’t hit her in the end, she might have forgiven him. If that had happened, maybe Lanny would still be living in torment now.
Two years ago, Lanny finally divorced her husband and they went their separate ways. She married at 26 and divorced at 32, barely 6 and a half years, not even reaching the seven-year itch!
Lanny once said: There’s a kind of man whose words are like the wind, leaving no trace. It’s better to be single for life than to be with such a man. I finally understand that marrying the wrong person is sadder than not marrying at all. People say that having a good friend is important, but I think the opposite. I should thank my good friend for advising me to divorce. After the divorce, I raised my child alone quite securely, while he was just a joke without dignity. Even though he feels good about himself and is always loyal to his ex-girlfriend, she still just uses him as a backup.
In Lanny’s memory, last winter, her ex-husband was chased for over ten miles by his ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend. It was snowy, and he spent a night under a bridge.
Lanny said: I just wanted to laugh at myself, laugh at how foolish I was. I also wanted to cry, cry at how foolish I was. Is this the man I once loved? What kind of responsibility does he have? How can he be trusted to love? Fortunately, I left, otherwise I don’t know what my life would have become.
The above is Lanny’s experience. Although she hasn’t started a new relationship, she’s being pursued by someone. She’s learned from experience and said that this time, facing a new relationship, she’ll keep her eyes open.
Although Lanny’s marriage didn’t last, for her, there’s always new hope. If you keep enduring in that family, it will be even harder to leave as you get older.
6. Marriage Can’t Always Be Sustained by “Accommodation”
Regarding Lanny’s statement “Marrying the wrong person is sadder than not marrying at all,” many experienced people deeply understand it. In the end, marrying the wrong person can only be blamed on one’s own foolishness.
I once wrote about another case in an article, where a woman fell in love with a scumbag and married him against all advice. She endured everything for him, but he fell in love with another woman.
The woman lived alone in a big house, often in tears. Because she couldn’t bear to divorce, her husband punished her, often not coming home.
For this lady, life wasn’t lacking in material things, but she felt very oppressed. Because she was in a bad mood, she would drink alone every night, and later she fell ill. Until her death, her husband never repented. In the final stages of her life, she regretted that she hadn’t loved her parents, the only ones worth loving in her life, and instead had staked her whole life on a scumbag, without even having children. It was all so worthless. What’s the use of crying? She knew it was too late…
We often say that to have a good marriage, you need not only skill but also luck. Throughout history, the responsibility of love has never changed, but in marriage, only couples who are together for love can live as openly as possible.
Sometimes, the words “accommodation” can resolve marital conflicts, but sometimes it’s also self-harm. Although being devoted is a kind of persistence, loving the wrong person is just foolish.