When getting married, we all hope to live happily ever after with our partners, but often reality is different.

What is the thing that women fear the most after marriage? Undoubtedly, it’s their husbands cheating.

After discovering their husbands’ infidelity, most women initially think about how to salvage the relationship or whether to divorce. However, they often overlook why men cheat and what their mindset is when they do.

Chat with Several Men Who Have Cheated:

A, 42 years old, Project Manager

I never thought I would cheat. I had an affair a few years ago, and my wife still doesn’t know. I have a good relationship with my wife; she is caring and gentle.

I used to think only fools have affairs because if it’s discovered, it will lead to the collapse of the family we’ve built, which is extremely foolish.

Once at a colleague’s dinner, a new female colleague got drunk, and I was responsible for taking her home. Unexpectedly, she vomited on me without warning. The next day, she apologized and invited me to dinner. I wanted to refuse, but seeing how embarrassed she was, I didn’t want her to feel guilty, so I agreed with a smile.

During our dinner, we got along well, and our views on many things were in sync. Later, we started having more and more private meetings. I kept telling myself that there was nothing wrong with it, that we were just colleagues and nothing inappropriate happened.

Eventually, we became intimate. I can’t say I love her; I just found it exciting. At that time, I kept reassuring myself that it was okay, that I didn’t go all the way, that I was just feeling youthful around a young woman, but I still loved my wife and my family. I proved this when I returned home, as I became a devoted husband and a caring father.

After every meeting, I carefully checked myself to avoid being caught by my wife. Later, she was transferred to another location, and we agreed not to contact each other.

B, 37 years old, Company Deputy General Manager

A few years ago, I was demoted at work and assigned to a marginal position by a new boss. At that time, my wife was busy with the opening of her new store and couldn’t comfort me. It was one of the most frustrating times of my life.

Coincidentally, a new Operations Director with a lot of charm joined the company. She was intelligent and kind. With her help, I regained my confidence and eventually returned to my previous position. I even hired her as my secretary.

She was very capable at work and handled many tasks perfectly. When working late nights, she would stay with me and make me my favorite coffee.

After spending a lot of time together, we naturally had an affair. I won’t get a divorce, and she didn’t want to replace my wife. We are comfortable with this arrangement.

C, 48 years old, Self-Employed

I’ve been having an affair for seven or eight years. After many years of marriage, my wife’s attention is mostly on the children and the family business, and we hardly speak a few words a day.

Our sex life is non-existent, and when I want intimacy at night, she tells me to take care of it myself and not bother her. How can any man stand this for so long?

So, I started an affair with a divorced woman I met while purchasing goods. It turned out that this woman in her thirties was great in bed, and every time we were intimate, I felt relieved mentally and physically. We maintained this relationship for a long time.

After my wife discovered our affair, she caused a big scene. Since then, we’ve become more cautious. I didn’t want a divorce, but I didn’t want to give up my lover either.

D, 35, Hotel Manager

I am currently going through a divorce with my wife. Our marriage was arranged by our parents, and we got married because we thought we were well-suited. After marriage, most things were fine, but she was too controlling, which made me feel suffocated.

She demanded that I hand over 80% of my monthly salary, and whenever I returned home after 9 PM, she would start a big fight. Sometimes, she even went to my parents in the middle of the night to cause trouble for them. My parents are old; they can’t handle her antics.

So, I had an affair with a colleague. She was much more understanding than my wife. Several times when we were intimate, my wife called me to come home, and she even encouraged me to go back home.

After some time, I started feeling suffocated, so I told my wife about divorce. She asked if I had someone else, but I didn’t respond and just said it was all my fault, and she could do whatever she wanted. She didn’t agree.

E, 45, Real Estate Entrepreneur

I cheated for the first time a few years ago. She was a receptionist at the company, a young girl named Linda. When I was with her, I felt much younger and more energetic.

Later, I have no idea how my wife found out, but she started to monitor my phone and my movements. She even went to the company to scold Linda and ruined her job.

I started to feel that my wife was too overbearing. She lacks gentleness and doesn’t care about me. If she were more considerate and caring, I wouldn’t have cheated.

Five Types of Psychological States of Cheating Men

1. Initially, They Never Thought They Would Cheat

Most men initially never thought they would cheat. They are rational and believe that cheating has more disadvantages than benefits. Cheating would lead to social criticism.

When they are in an ambiguous relationship, they find excuses, convincing themselves that it’s not cheating, just normal interaction, to reduce their guilt. During this stage, men are often excited and restless due to the freshness and the forbidden thrill.

After cheating, most men’s first reaction isn’t to think about whether they have wronged their wives, but rather about how to hide their affair from their wives.

This is why most men don’t divorce after cheating. They never thought they would be caught cheating.

2. The Third Party Is Too Alluring

Some men cheat because the timing of the third party’s appearance is favorable. The third party’s presence consoles the man’s heart when he is vulnerable.

He desires to express his inner suppression and disappointment, and she shows care and sympathy. A warm hug from her could easily break down the man’s defenses, and he falls into her embrace.

At this time, the third party doesn’t need to truly understand the man. She just needs to accompany him and show that she understands him.

3. Lack of Feeling in the Marriage

Most middle-aged men cheat because the marriage lacks passion, and they seek excitement. Once they have cheated, they feel that it can’t be helped.

At this time, men feel that they don’t want a divorce, that they don’t want to lose their family, that they still love their wives and children, and that they feel distressed when they see photos of their family from the past.

However, they feel no connection with their wife, don’t want to be intimate, don’t see her as a woman, and are tired of her. They also recall the many problems they had with their wives in the past and feel unhappy being with her.

Cheating allows their dissatisfaction with marriage to explode because, when compared to the lover, they feel that their wives don’t measure up in any way.

4. Loss of Freedom

Men who request a divorce due to cheating generally have a very humble attitude; they admit that it is their fault. What they imply is that anything is fine as long as they can get a divorce.

Men are resolute about seeking a divorce because the lover is attractive, but we cannot ignore their attitude towards their wives and marriage. They feel that marriage has caused them to lose too much and is resolute in seeking a divorce.

The feeling of wanting the lover to be happy and the belief that their marriage has failed are both selfish reasons to make oneself happier.

Most men never think about remarrying the lover after divorcing their wives. They would still lose the right to control their wages and their freedom to stay out all night, and, moreover, the lover is a third-party replacement. Would they still want someone like her near them? That would only limit their freedom further.

5. It’s Because of You That I Cheated

After being exposed, most men initially feel guilty. They apologize, saying they know it’s their fault and they feel guilty.

Then they look for excuses, blaming their wives for their cheating:

“If you weren’t so controlling, I wouldn’t have cheated.”

“If you had paid more attention to me instead of the children, I wouldn’t have cheated.”

“If you had been more considerate and patient, this wouldn’t have happened.”

At this time, they try to shift the blame onto their wives as much as possible to alleviate their guilt and gain the upper hand. Many wives may fall into self-blame at this time, trying to please their husbands and regain control.

After cheating, most men become very greedy. They enjoy the excitement of the affair, but they don’t want to give up their families.

The dopamine rush from the affair keeps them going, but the cost is enormous. They live in constant fear and want to stop, but they can’t control themselves, so it continues. This is how extramarital affairs lead people deeper and deeper into trouble.

We Need to Understand: There’s No Absolute Security in Marriage

With marriage, you need to be careful and nurture it, just like your bank account. After withdrawing money, you check your balance and remind yourself to save some. We need to constantly inject love into the relationship to maintain a healthy connection.

We all hope for a happy and fulfilling marriage, but if your husband does cheat, and if misfortune does befall you, you should first calm your emotions and then assess your marriage rationally.

Intimate relationships and extramarital affairs are related to people’s needs, so you need to explore deeply what you truly need. Is it this person, or can you accept being cheated on? Do you have many concerns about reputation, finances, life, and emotions? You need to understand what you truly want.

You should also try to understand this familiar stranger. Many wives seem lost on this issue. After ten or twenty years, it seems that they have never truly understood the person sleeping next to them. Understand that his needs are often hidden in the past blame and complaints about you.

When you are clear about your true needs, your goals will become clearer.

If, due to some objective reasons, you can’t leave the person who has cheated on you, then you need to fill in the gaps and improve yourself. You need to grow.

If you prioritize your relationship, you need to assess the type of affair. If it’s a matter of character, for example, if your partner believes in having multiple partners, then you need to dispel the illusion and take responsibility for your mistake.

If it’s about satisfying needs, you need to see if you can communicate and adjust with each other. Are you still deeply in love, and are you willing to make efforts to repair the marriage? If the answer is yes, then after adjusting your mindset, you can work together to rekindle your marriage.

Marriage is not easy. We all enter marriage because of love.

When our hearts, once weathered by years, become restless and tempted, we should remember the vows we made when we got married:

Through poverty and wealth, sickness and health, we promised to be together, through thick and thin.