What is extramarital affair?
Through the experiences of sisters, I’ve concluded that an extramarital affair is a shameless man having a fling with a woman who has no moral bottom line.
Do you remember, when you were young, if you broke a toy that your parents had just bought, and your parents said, “Why are you so careless with your things?” and you instinctively replied, “It’s not my fault, the toy’s quality is poor.”
Sisters, does this scene remind you of the way he looks when caught cheating?
When you catch him in the act, facing your questions, he’ll first insist, “It’s not my fault, she seduced me” or “It’s not my fault, if she didn’t come onto me, how could I have cheated?”
Does this sound familiar? Does it resemble a man’s face after being exposed for infidelity? At this point, most women will say what?
They’ll say, “If you weren’t willing, could she have seduced you?” When the conflict escalates, and your negative emotions are high, you start attacking each other, defending yourself, but what about the man? He starts brainstorming, coming up with all sorts of reasons to lash out at you.
1. What Does a Man Say When His Infidelity is Exposed?
Let me take you back to all the natural excuses men make after cheating.
- “Look at you, all you do is nag and complain every day, I’ve had enough of it.”
- “I work every day to support the family, have you ever said anything comforting to me?”
- “We’ve been married for so long, do you know what I want? Have you met my needs?”
- “All you do is nag and complain, I can’t stay in this house anymore.”
- “You not only check my phone, but what else do you do? You’ve put too much pressure on me.”
In other words, the man is saying, “The other woman understands my needs, gives me freedom, makes me happier, I don’t hear any nagging with her, she cares about me.” Sisters, think about it, does it make sense?
When he lists all your shortcomings, his reasons for cheating become justified. Because of all your flaws, he cheated, so he’s telling you that it’s not his fault, it’s all because of you. Therefore, many women are led astray by men.
At first, women thought that a man’s infidelity was his fault, but when men use these “justified” excuses, it undermines their confidence. They start to unconsciously think, “Is that really me? Is it really because of my flaws that he cheated?”
Sisters, this is why, after experiencing the quarrels of infidelity, you begin to blame yourselves. It’s because of the man’s many “justified” excuses, which lead your thinking astray, it’s like brainwashing, men keep brainwashing you, and in the end, even you believe that his infidelity is not his fault, it’s because you’re not good enough.
But dear sisters, let me ask you, hasn’t the man ever done anything wrong in the marriage? Has the man taken care of your needs? Has he given you the care you deserve?
If not, then why is it that he didn’t cheat because of you, but it was his fault? He even gave reasons for cheating, but you can’t even meet the standard.
Imagine, you’re the one doing the laundry and cooking at home, and he’s acting like a big shot; in cold and warm weather, you care for his health, but during your period, he hasn’t even done what a scoundrel could do, such as bringing you hot water; you take care of the children and your parents, but what about him? He’s hugging other women carelessly.
He never cared about the damage his infidelity caused you; he never considered the hardships you endured for the family; he’s even forgotten your goodness, forgotten his promises to you. In such a marriage, are your needs being met?
If not, why aren’t you fighting for yourself, rather than letting him make you feel worthless, as if in his eyes, lovers are precious, but you are worthless?
So, sisters, ask yourselves, why, even when your needs are not met, you are not cared for, do you still hold on to the marriage, maintaining boundaries? Why do you overlook all of his flaws, not loving someone else behind his back?
2. Men’s Infidelity is the Result of Women’s Indulgence, So It’s Women’s Fault
I once heard a phrase: You can never wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.
What is love? Love is commitment, responsibility, loyalty. When he cheats, these things mean nothing to him. Is that real love?
I’ve seen a lot of loyal love, a husband caring for his paralyzed wife for over ten years, a restaurant owner first taking his wife’s hand and rushing outside during an earthquake, a husband battling alongside his wife during an epidemic. These are real love.
So now, do you still think there’s love between you? Can love make a man resist temptation and the outside world?
Since there is no love, do you really believe he will come back? Will he get tired of playing? If he’s really tired and comes back, can you really accept him again? Can your marriage really go back to how it was?
If lovers are where they find excitement, you may not even belong, you’re just a fixed role in the marriage, nothing more.
When love becomes a thing of the past, your relationship becomes a story, even if you’re willing to wait, the one who comes back is just an old man who’s tired of playing and wants to be taken care of.
Perhaps he’ll tell you, “After going in circles, I realize it’s you.”
Well, of course it’s you. You’re the one he comes back to when he’s tired of playing. But if you go out to play, will he ask you to come back?
3. What Makes You Feel Compassionate and Unwilling to Let Go in the Face of Harm?
“I really love him, I believe my love can change him.”
This sounds so humble. It conjures up an image of a conciliatory and submissive woman, tiptoeing around just to get the man’s attention.
Why should a man’s love be so important? How much is true love worth? Love is elusive, $100 can fill you up, but can thinking about love make you feel full when you’re hungry? Can it make you happy when you’re upset? When he’s sleeping with another woman, can thinking about love make you feel better? Clearly, the answer is no.
Ask yourself, must you beg for his love, must he come home more often, must he look at you more to prove your worth? If he leaves home and doesn’t return, if he belittles you, does it mean you’re worthless?
By lowering your own value, are you just begging for his love?
If you don’t have his love, will you die?
Is it that once a woman enters marriage, she no longer has her own life and identity, she needs to be defined by a man?
Don’t give him that right.
Your self-moved efforts waste your youth and energy, don’t they?
Your persistence in thinking your love can change him is also an attempt to change someone else.
Jung once said: Don’t even think about changing someone else.
The more you invest in him with expectations and emotions, the higher your sunk cost, and the more difficult it is for you to extricate yourself from the relationship.
When you finally realize you can’t make him love you again, all your beliefs will collapse.
Uncomplaining love can never be a reason to indulge in evil; it cannot even be a consolation for a deteriorated marriage.
Blind love is not love, it’s foolishness, it makes you blind to the reality and cruelty of marriage, it makes you blind to the other’s heartlessness and decisiveness, no matter how hard you try to change, it’s futile, because in his mind, he no longer loves you.
“He used to be very good to me, very pampering, I don’t believe his love for me will disappear.”
Perhaps he used to love you very much, and you had very good times together.
But now, he’s changed, full of lies and deceit.
He hasn’t spoken a word of truth to cover up his affair, it’s truly pitiful.
When you discover his infidelity, you try to deceive yourself, using “One day he’ll realize his mistake, one day he’ll come back to me” as the last straw to safeguard your marriage, but who’s crying in the late nights? Who’s in pain?
Maybe he used to love you very much and treat you well, but when he cheated, everything disappeared, the love is gone, the affection is gone, he didn’t consider your feelings, not even a tinge of regret accompanies those lame excuses, it’s all perfunctory and distant.
When a man cheats, he’s torn between two or even several women. Similarly, as he goes further down this path, his justifications for his actions become more and more rational.
Gradually, he believed those lies, even himself. He believed that you were worthless, leaving you was the right thing to do, being with the other woman was his only redemption, regardless of how much he was condemned.
These thoughts have spun in his mind countless times, he doesn’t even know how many times he’s reconsidered, but you, still foolishly believe that he’s the same person, and that love will still be the same.
Wake up, my sisters.
“Perhaps he’s tired of playing around and will come back, I’m willing to wait a little longer.”
I believe you’ve all heard the saying: You can never wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.
What’s love? Love is a promise, it’s responsibility, it’s loyalty. When he cheats, these things are nothing to him, is that real love?
So now, do you still think there’s love between you? Can love make a man resist temptation and the outside world?
Therefore, sisters, we all have to be the person who “breaks out of the cocoon”, only by flying out can we see the beauty of the world, only if we don’t hesitate, don’t fear the future, can we have a better life.
Marriage is the same, when faced with choices, we shouldn’t be thinking about what to do if we leave this person, but rather how to make choices that will bring us happiness, that will give us greater value, sisters, do you agree?
4. If You Can Break Out of Your Cocoon, You Can Soar to Higher Skies.
The scariest thing in the world isn’t divorce, it’s that you can’t break out of your cocoon, being trapped in a cocoon is ultimately painful and self-pitying.
Why are we alive? The most satisfying answer I’ve heard is: I want to live as myself, I want to live a full life.
We aren’t here to please others, we’re here to please ourselves, why do we attach our emotions to others, why do we let undeserving people affect our emotions?
They say, good love should be, when I’m with you, who am I? When I’m with you, what kind of person can I become?
If a man makes you anxious and suspicious, you’ve lost your original self, you’re not happy, you’re oppressed.
But if you can rid yourself of the people who cause you negative emotions, when you’re out of the dark and in the sunlight, your happiness will return, your confidence will return, your generosity will return, your whole life will be radiant.
A butterfly’s transformation from a chrysalis is a long process, some “die in their cocoon”, while others break out of it and fly toward the sky they long for, to see a bigger, broader world.
So, sisters, we all have to be the “butterfly breaking out of the cocoon”, only by flying out can we see the world’s beauty, only then can we see that our happiness is interconnected with the world, only by not hesitating, not fearing the future, can we have a better life.
Marriage is the same, when we face choices, we shouldn’t think about what to do if we leave this person, but rather how to make choices that will bring us happiness, that will give us greater value, sisters, do you agree?