Such “games” are not uncommon in the romantic relationships of the young, yet victory and defeat are not easily discerned.

With less innate narcissism and more developed capacities for love and work, we can navigate romantic relationships with greater ease.

1. Love means surrendering narcissism

For a long time, in romantic relationships, it seems that the rule of “who falls first, dies first” has prevailed.

This stems from some people feeling that their efforts are substantial yet the rewards are meager, leading to their conclusion from experience. Consequently, others take this as a lesson and remain cautious and passive in their relationships, unwilling to rush into things.

According to the scholar : Once you fall in love, you become a slave; love is surrender, submission, a sense of belonging in the heart, and also a prison.

The experience of being “lowered to the dust” is something most have undergone at the beginning of a love affair.

The reason for feeling insignificant upon falling in love lies in the fact that we invest a large portion of our libido—our psychic energy—into our partner. In other words, the person in love effectively gives up a part of their narcissism to the other.

To put it bluntly, it’s rare to see one’s own value and dedicate themselves selflessly to another; the partner’s face is either radiant with joy or they are constantly doing good things for their significant other.

Here’s the catch: The narcissism we give away ideally should be reciprocally replaced, that is, with being loved.

Otherwise, one experiences the bitter feeling of “dying first”. The only antidote to insignificance is to be loved; without it, one remains trapped in love.

Consequently, people remember the lesson. Whether it’s the next romance or a fight with their other half, many retort bitterly: “Why don’t THEY take the initiative, why should I?”

It boils down to everyone’s desire to avoid injuring their self-esteem.

2. The sources of self-esteem

In Freud’s theoretical framework, a person’s self-esteem includes three aspects:

The residual narcissism from infancy;

A sense of omnipotence that has been empirically validated (the realization of the ego-ideal);

The satisfaction of object-libido (being loved by another person).

The reason he always encouraged us to love and work is that these two things can continuously enhance our self-esteem. Additionally, they help us gradually move away from primitive narcissism and develop our selves in a realistic environment.

For example:

A boy who believes he is infinitely strong and the most handsome in the universe epitomizes primitive, omnipotent narcissism. As he grows up and starts working, gets married, every achievement validates the “handsomeness” of his childhood, and his self-esteem grows with each day.

In the TV series “The First Half of My Life,” the character Tang Jing maintains a relationship with He Han for ten years as a mentor, business partner, and lover, truly a winner in life.

Being high in self-esteem, she didn’t fall into despair or travel to heal her wounds when she saw He Han falling for Luo Zijun, but immediately went on a business trip to chase clients.

As it is often said, love’s loss is work’s gain; when one source of self-esteem is lost, the other must be salvaged.

From this perspective, turning into a workaholic after a breakup, and healing through work, is a way of self-healing and not simply sentimentality or numbness.

If you have such people around you, understanding them and extending some care in their lives is all that’s needed.

3. Self-esteem in relationships

In intimate relationships, being loved enhances self-esteem while not being loved diminishes it, an undisputed truth.

When someone feels deeply attached to their partner but at the same time is not reciprocated, it is indeed a lonely place to be.

To avoid the pain of being the only one rushing headlong into love, one may become less proactive in a relationship.

A netizen’s comment hits hard: If love isn’t mutual, then someone has to “die.”

Consider a story. Once in the kingdom of Uruz, there was a soldier who foolishly fell in love with the king’s beautiful daughter.

Once, when the princess was admiring flowers by herself, the soldier took the chance to confess his love. The princess was both startled and delighted, since a commoner had never made such a sincere confession to her.

She agreed to his proposal on one condition: wait under her balcony for 100 days and nights, and if he persisted, she would marry him.

The soldier happily agreed and withstood the elements and the insects, hanging on until the brink of death. The princess watched everything from above but never came down. On the 99th day, the soldier walked away.

Why couldn’t she consent with just one day to go?

When viewed from the origins of self-esteem, the princess’s status presupposed her staying in the stage of primitive narcissism longer. Royal and noble suitors loved me before, and now a poor boy loves me; ideally, everyone should love me, and the 100 days of vigilance maximized the feeling of omnipotence.

Some even summarized the story succinctly: 99 days demonstrate his love for her, but the last day reflects his respect for himself.

This sounds somewhat tragic but also deeply meaningful.

Imagine the soldier’s self-esteem diminishing with each day he devoted love to the princess without reciprocation; turning away on the 99th day prevented his self-esteem from vanishing altogether.

In one respect, he subconsciously knew the princess would never agree to him; departing on the 99th day allowed him to forever hold onto that promise in his heart, avoiding the pain of loss.

On this note, we can understand those trapped in unrequited love who can’t let go. Although they haven’t really entered a relationship, the psychological reality of giving love and being rejected has already happened.

On another note, the soldier’s actions left a unique impression in the princess’s heart, significantly boosting his self-esteem in his own mind.

Of course, there are complex interpretations and continuations of this story that are not fully delved into here. The point is, don’t play out such dramas in real life; it’s simply too hard.

4. The evolution of self-esteem in relationships

A girl once told me that she couldn’t explain why, but she never takes the initiative to talk to someone after a quarrel, missing out on many potentially good relationships, both in love and friendship.

She really wants to change this habit.

The girl suspects this issue may be related to her mother. As a child, whenever she and her mom had a dispute and she was still angry, her mom would talk to her as if nothing had happened and ask her what she wanted to eat.

This led the girl to adopt a passive attitude in relationships, assuming the other person would come and reconcile; if not, she would rather give up on that relationship.

As a result, her social circle is filled with proactive friends, giving her even less incentive to change.

In my opinion, the mother’s “business-as-usual” approach may have encouraged the daughter to rely more on narcissistic means to maintain self-esteem.

What’s missing here is an important step where the mother should have communicated with her daughter about their dispute before reconciling, rather than skipping it altogether.

If done, the mother would have helped her daughter to move beyond primitive narcissism and practice interacting with real people, laying a solid foundation for her to love more smoothly and to work in the future.

Later on, the girl and another female colleague in the office became good friends. After a disagreement, the girl remained silent for an entire day.

Eventually, the colleague came over and joked, “If I’m guilty, let the law punish me, not your silent treatment.”

While the girl laughed, she also deeply realized she had a problem. Then, a familiar sense of guilt washed over her, reminiscent of her “it’s all good” mother from years ago.

The girl’s guilt can be interpreted in terms of object relations: when angry with her mother, she would fantasize about various attacks on her, and she also found herself under attack from the “bad mother.” Yet in reality, the reconciling mother immediately turned into the “good mother,” and the girl hadn’t time to retract her attacks on the good mother, resulting in guilt.

This feels much like the saying, “Don’t you feel guilty for bullying a good person?”

Thus, not wanting to repair a relationship or letting it go can protect her from confronting this sense of guilt again. However, obviously, this inhibits the further development of the self, which can only progress when one becomes aware of it.

5. The more proactive, the healthier the psyche

Now we understand that reducing primitive narcissism and developing the capacities for love and work can indeed enhance self-esteem. Conversely, the enhancement of self-esteem facilitates greater ease in love and work.

Psychologist Erik Erikson stated: Healthy self-esteem is the foundation of enduring love.

Returning to the soldier and the princess’s story, I’m not particularly curious about what would have happened if he had persisted until the end; I’m more concerned with what made the soldier accept the 100 days as a condition and a price.

This was a form of limited freedom, related to self-esteem.

Although he chose to leave on the 99th day, he could have discussed alternative ways or fewer days with the princess beforehand. I lean towards a healthier sense of self-respect achieved in this way.

It’s normal to fear being rejected, as the soldier in the story did, and we do in life. But remember, rejection is not the same as harm. Exploring the reasons why one can’t take initiative boosts self-confidence.

Believe that the person who takes the initiative in a relationship won’t “die” but will live forever.