If there was only one standard for a partner, it would be: emotional maturity.

Maybe you wouldn’t use the word “emotionally mature” to describe your imagination of your partner, but when we are dissatisfied with the relationship, we will say: Why do I always give in to him? Is it so difficult to speak well? I would rather find someone who is cheerful and comfortable to get along with. In fact, it means that I want to find someone who is emotionally mature.

Dr. Robin Beiman describes mature relationships in the book “How to Discover an Emotionally Mature Person”. To sum it up, you will know why it is so comfortable to be with an emotionally mature person.

01

Emotionally mature people manage their emotions

People who cannot regulate their emotions will go to two extremes: either they are very happy and full of passion, or they break down and burst into tears over small things. It’s not surprising that young children scream in public, but if we see a middle-aged man swearing at a stranger who cut in line, we speculate that something must have happened to him as a child.

Emotionally mature people will use language carefully when expressing. Everyone will feel disappointed with their partner sometimes, but never say: “Why are you so stupid?” Different language and tone will have different effects. Some have created tension between the two parties, while others have shown a willingness to change.

02

Emotionally mature people consider others

Compromise is an important lesson in emotional maturity. Emotionally mature people know that there are many ways to achieve a certain goal, and making the wrong step does not mean failure. The other party’s approach may be different from ours, but it can also achieve good results. Recognizing that there are many ways to achieve your goals is an important step toward achieving mutual respect. In a relationship, it is important to maintain the relative independence of your personality.

03

Emotionally mature people take care of themselves

Exercise actively, eat healthily, get enough sleep, and they will also recognize their emotional needs. It’s good to have someone who cares about you all the time, but many times, we still have to rely on ourselves.

Likewise, in a relationship, we need to stop and focus on our own needs. Some people think that they are born givers, or that focusing on themselves is a sign of selfishness. It is best to avoid this kind of thinking. If in a relationship the other person always demands unconditional sacrifice from you, then there is something wrong with the relationship.

Taking responsibility for yourself is a very important quality. Everyone makes mistakes, but when emotionally mature people mess up, they won’t make excuses, blame others, or complain. They will take responsibility themselves.

(Actually, you can’t do it, right? If you want to find an emotionally mature partner, you have to work harder)

04

True maturity is learning to coexist rather than eliminate emotions

When we usually say that someone is “stimulated” and then works hard or becomes depressed, it is actually the external manifestation of behavioral changes caused by inner psychological transition. For example, a person is alone in a new environment, or finds that he is no longer as good as others, or feels ashamed of himself, or is quietly dissatisfied. He experiences embarrassment/anxiety/feeling guilty/jealousy/pain/frustration, etc., but these feelings are all Secondary emotions, essentially primary emotions, are a person’s dissatisfaction with his or her state.

But not everyone can face up to such primary emotions, and not everyone can take their own responsibilities in action after facing up to them. Change begins with our acceptance of loneliness: that essentially we can only be responsible for ourselves, and only we can be responsible for ourselves.

Because of this difference in emotional response and cognition, “effort” has two completely different feelings and effects:

The first is that a person faces himself honestly, admits the painful emotions in his heart, and can recognize these emotions in a reasonable and healthy way. As a result, he can often face himself, accept the status quo gently, and pursue it bravely. The better self in that dream. At this time, the reason for his efforts is to pursue positive experience (pursue positivity), the release of subjective initiative, and the drive of curiosity/competitiveness. Such efforts make a person more confident the harder he works.

The second is that when a person stays in the feeling stage of secondary emotions, he is unable to deeply explore his own powerlessness and desires, cannot face his true self, and it is even harder for him to truly accept such himself. He is hiding and suppressing to varying degrees. . At this time, the reason for his efforts is to get rid of negative experience (avoid negativity), to resist under fear, to challenge, not to grow.

This shows how important it is to face and accept your true feelings. When you are unable to do this, the value of your efforts will be greatly reduced. But which challenges should be pursued and which should be abandoned?

The first situation is that a person can break through the secondary emotions and reach the recognition and acceptance of the primary emotions, so that after avoiding certain challenges, he can gain more peace and tolerance; he will not be jealous of others’ success, He doesn’t want to ridicule other people’s disappointments. He can do this because he has experienced the disappointment that cannot be reached despite his dedicated efforts. He understands that a person’s situation is influenced by too many internal and external factors. He can only do his best and cannot force it.

The second situation is often those who cannot break through the secondary emotions and do not have enough security to recognize and accept the primary emotions. As a result, they are unable to be gentle and calm when giving up any challenge, and have more confidence in themselves/others. dissatisfaction. Giving up challenges in this state will inevitably make him face life with anger and often experience intense negative emotions.

05

No one can take care of your emotions better than you

As people live, emotions are inevitable. Sometimes positive, sometimes negative. Every emotion has its own positive meaning and can be used by us. But not everyone can discover its positive significance, and it is even more difficult to use it.

A true story from a counselor: A girl, a boy she liked asked her out for dinner, and actually brought his girlfriend without notifying him in advance. Then this female classmate felt aggrieved, uncomfortable, angry… In order to show her generosity that she didn’t really care, she still chose to endure it and finished the meal silently.

These are two mechanisms we commonly use to cope with emotions: suppression, which is accompanied by denial; and venting, which is accompanied by revenge.

As a person who has received a civilized education, venting emotions is not very allowed. Don’t allow yourself to cry, don’t allow yourself to make trouble, or even allow yourself to have emotions. There is a good way to comfort yourself when you shouldn’t have emotions: the person who loves you will not let you be wronged, and the person who makes you wronged simply does not deserve that.

These two processes are inevitably accompanied by another implicit process: I want you to be responsible for my emotions. Because it was your failure to do a good job that caused my emotions. I hope you can go back to the past and solve this matter so that I don’t have emotions now. Secondly, I will expect you to make some changes and take care of my current mood.

However, as adults, we can see at least 3 or more choices for everything. Habits can push us down a single path, but awareness can set us free.

After having emotions, the first step is always to be aware and see my emotions. The second step is to decide how I want to take care of my emotions. No one knows how to take care of your own emotions better than you, because no one can do these two steps easier than you.

We have many ways to take care of our emotions:

Delayed venting. I admit that there are indeed some situations that are not suitable for venting emotions, such as being scolded by a leader or a customer. We can temporarily suppress it for a short period of time and then wait for an opportunity to vent. Just like you are injured, it will take some time to get to the hospital, but during this process, you should take care of yourself first, and stop torturing and neglecting yourself. You can go for a run, work out, yell, find someone to talk to, etc. to clean up.

Sublimation and competition. Sublimation is to turn emotions into a positive driving force. Any emotion we have, including sadness, grievance, despair, helplessness, etc., is essentially an attack. When emotions cannot be directed toward the outside world, they will be directed toward themselves and attack themselves. Since it is an attack, it should be allowed to go somewhere valuable. The way to sublimate it is to regulate it within the scope allowed by society, such as competition and hard work.

Deal with old wounds. Every emotion we have is not simply an emotion caused by the current event, but is accompanied by unprocessed resentment and grievances. Whenever a similar situation occurs, we will be particularly sensitive and easily experience feelings of abandonment, neglect, denial, etc., resulting in emotions. It’s like our body. It will hurt if you press it hard, but if it hurts too much, there must be a knot there. Therefore, every emotion reminds you: I’m sorry, you have old wounds that you haven’t dealt with.
Every emotion has something to say. How you limit yourself, how your subconscious resists, and your emotions remind you one by one. For example, that girl’s restriction is “to take care of your emotions is to vent them”, and she is not allowed to do that. In fact, every exploration and cultivation of emotions is a process of breaking one’s own limitations again and again. This is the basic characteristic of mature personality—freedom.

Finally, we tend to have an illusion about our partner: as if we find a mature person, we can escape from the childish state. But the fact is that people who are willing to take the initiative to grow are more likely to meet mature people. The above has described what an emotionally mature person looks like and how to take care of one’s emotions. Take it as a standard and a goal for self-growth.