Love may seem like the result of mutual affection, but wherever there are people, there’s power play. Even in a relationship, there’s a differential in power and influence.
In the initial stages of a relationship, aside from the outwardly sweet interactions, it’s a critical period of power struggle. Many girls fail to see this and end up being led by the boy, only to feel distressed when reaching certain relationship milestones:
“Why hasn’t he confessed his feelings?”
“Why is my boyfriend becoming more indifferent after we’ve confirmed our relationship?”
“Why do I always have to be the one to reconcile after an argument with my boyfriend?”
“How do I control the pace of the relationship? How do I reject my boyfriend’s advances without hurting our relationship?”
“We’ve been in a relationship for so long, why hasn’t he proposed?”
Even if the relationship seems fine, the control has already shifted to the other person. It’s like driving a car together, and the one who grabs the driver’s seat can directly decide where the car goes, at what speed, and when to turn back. The person being led, due to inertia, often finds it difficult to regain control and ends up being at the other person’s mercy.
1. The Early Stage of a Relationship is the Best Time to Seize the Driver’s Seat
Because it’s the easiest time. During this honeymoon period, both individuals have high demands for each other, and even minor emotions can catch each other’s attention. Men are especially good to women at this time, offering comprehensive care from physical to emotional aspects.
Men are most eager to please women during this period, making it the best time for women to set the rules and take control.
Even if women are a bit demanding, a bit picky, men will still be eager to please. So, women shouldn’t show how compliant they are at this stage, as it would mean handing over the control to men.
During this period, make sure men know what you like and dislike.
When he does something you like, you’re happy;
When he does something you don’t like, you ignore him until he stops.
After a few repetitions, men start to get used to doing things you like and avoid doing things you dislike. This habit allows women to firmly hold the driver’s seat.
2. Maintain an Attractive Charm
Your charm might have diminished in his eyes, even though you haven’t changed. The core issue is that after a period of intense love, he sees you as a book he’s read or a road he’s traveled, and he’s no longer interested in every detail.
Especially for some women, after falling in love, they want to share everything with their boyfriends. Does the boyfriend still have the desire to explore?
Even after becoming intimate, maintain a part of yourself that he doesn’t understand but makes you shine, like the “to be continued” in an intriguing novel.
Men love challenges and the thrill of the chase. Leaving some mystery will add more fun to your relationship and, invisibly, enhance your charm.
3. Establish New Order
When you’ve established a new relationship, it’s like establishing a new country together, with all regulations and laws needing to be reestablished. Once set, you must abide by these rules and start discussing your love and handling any issues that arise according to these regulations.
In this context, if you don’t actively establish new order, you’ll accept the other person’s new order, and naturally lose control.
For a simple example, when you and your boyfriend have your first argument over trivial matters and end up ignoring each other, what can you do to establish rules that benefit you?
Some girls might think it’s not a big deal and try to make up with their boyfriends. This creates a rule: when there’s a quarrel over trivial matters, the woman must be the one to reach out to the man. Of course, the rule isn’t set in stone after just one event. However, people have inertia. After the second quarrel, the woman might feel that since she made up last time, she should do so this time too, and is more inclined to contact the man first. Meanwhile, the man, who can clearly endure the “silent treatment” for a longer time, is more inclined to wait. After several rounds, both form a certain mindset, and the rules are basically set. It’s difficult to change them back.
Another example involves using emotions to set rules. If you want your boyfriend to call you three times a day, respond warmly and happily when he does. When he calls less or more than three times, treat him coldly, without explanation or anger, until he stops. Not explaining the reason is meant to make his subconscious feel that he’s happy when he follows your request, but unhappy when he doesn’t. But this meaning shouldn’t be felt by his conscious mind, as it would make him feel controlled and used. This method is highly effective when he’s particularly concerned about your feelings.
In the rule-making phase, whoever has lower demands gains the advantage in setting the rules, while the one with higher demands has to comply with the rules set by the other party. Therefore, no matter how much you love this man, to ensure harmony and a lasting relationship, you must firmly stick to your principles and establish a set of rules that make you comfortable.
4. Focus on What You Want
But do you really know what you want?
Lisa knew very clearly: “I want a lot of love. If not, then a lot of money.”
To take control, you need to have your own opinions. You can’t think “boyfriends should listen to me” on one hand, and “I hope my man can handle me” on the other, as these are contradictory. You can only choose one.
If you’re unsure about what you want, your actions will create conflicting signals in your life, sending mixed messages to your partner. They’ll think you’re unwilling to think of solutions yourself, yet insist on meddling with solutions that have already been formed.
You can’t seize control solely through emotions; it also depends on your skills. For instance, a friend of mine, whose husband was initially reluctant to hand over financial control, later discovered her excellent financial management skills and investment expertise. As a result, he handed over all financial matters to her and trusted her to manage them.
So, for the areas you care about, excel and become irreplaceable, and naturally take over the control from your partner.
5. Have the Capital to Exit
Will everything go smoothly in a relationship if we do everything right?
Even if you choose the most loving and stable person from all your suitors, it doesn’t mean you can rest on your laurels from then on.
The only constant in this world is change. You can’t predict every change, but you have to be prepared for it.
For example, a man who had been loving and faithful to his wife for decades and fathered several children suddenly fell in love at first sight with another woman at a dance. He said he knew in an instant that it was true love and that he would regret it for the rest of his life if he didn’t pursue her. He divorced his wife and started living with his new love. Even though he loved his wife before, it was because he hadn’t met someone he loved more. Therefore, he broke up, and his wife suffered the consequences.
I’m sharing this story to illustrate that no matter who you choose, you can only choose from the people you know. You can’t fall in love with someone you’ve never met, and you also can’t predict who you’ll meet next. Even with the best considerations, unexpected situations will still arise.
So, regardless of the type of relationship you enter, always keep an exit strategy. Before becoming someone’s girlfriend or wife, you were an independent person. Therefore, you need emotional and financial independence, so that if you leave any man, you can still live well.
Many girls aren’t short on money but are emotionally dependent on others, attaching all their emotions to another person’s belt. This shows emotional dependency.
An emotionally dependent person is likely to tolerate disrespect and neglect from the other person to stay in the relationship, and consequently, has no control.
It’s interesting that when a man sees a woman willing to tolerate his behavior just to maintain the relationship, he doesn’t feel guilty. Instead, he sees it as a lack of self-respect in the woman and becomes even more disrespectful. However, when a woman maintains her independence, a man realizes that he needs to make an effort to keep her, and naturally, he changes to fulfill her needs.
So, never stop cultivating your independence. It’s the best way to combat relationship risks, and having an exit strategy makes it easier for you to take control of the relationship.
In the end, do you truly know what you want?
If you can’t answer that question, and you can’t stand on your own two feet emotionally or financially, you’ll always be controlled by someone else. Your relationship will be a game of chance, and you’ll find yourself with little control over your own life.
So, to ensure a fulfilling and lasting relationship, know what you want, establish your rules, and have the strength to walk away when necessary. Remember, you are the pilot of your own life, and you should never let anyone else take over the controls.