Today we are going to discuss how to find the right partner for yourself.
Before we delve into this issue, I want to say that the principles of dating and job hunting are similar.
1 Love also has “three elements”
After conducting surveys on the dating experiences of many individuals, we found that the main reason why people can’t find the right partner is not because they have unresolved issues, but rather because they tend to see “dating” as a “difficult problem”.
They treat dating as a global mathematical conjecture, believing that it requires years of effort to solve.
This mindset causes many people to hesitate in finding the right partner, and at the same time, it’s one of the reasons why they easily become “clingy” and “plan B” when pursuing the other person.
As the saying goes, “Blood is thicker than water.” When we step into society right after leaving school, we need to address three questions when looking for a job, which are commonly known as the “three elements”: “Is it a fit?”, “Do I like it?”, and “Can I make money?”
“Is it a fit?” refers to whether the job you are applying for matches your professional skills. This is the first question we must address after entering society. The job you apply for must correspond to your professional skills, which is crucial for your successful application.
At this stage, we mainly address the issue of work capability. Employers hope to find skilled workers who can quickly adapt to the job, rather than investing in training a novice. When your professional skills match the job you are applying for, we can then address the next question—“Do I like it?”
There is a saying: “What is happiness? When your job and hobbies are the same, that is happiness.”
The same applies in daily life. Life is short. The work you engage in and the industry you work in will occupy the majority of your life, and this job will also influence your outlook on life. Therefore, after addressing the “Is it a fit?” question, the next thing to consider is whether you like this job.
If your interests align with your job, undoubtedly your daily life will become very fulfilling.
After addressing the “Is it a fit?” question, the next step is to address the “Do I like it?” question. Because this determines whether you can maintain passion in your daily work. Only when you maintain passion in your daily work can you perform better.
Once we have addressed these two questions, the remaining question will be easily resolved, which is “Can I make money?”
During the spring and fall recruitment seasons, there are often questions on Zhihu such as: “How do I choose between a job I like and a job that pays well?”
This question seems difficult, but when we address it using the “three elements”, it becomes very simple. Your job aligns with your expertise, and you are very skilled at it. At the same time, you also enjoy this job, as it completely aligns with your interests. Then you don’t need to worry about conflicting interests and making money; you only need to consider whether you can make money.
Because in life, we should not only focus on “poetry and distance”, but also pay attention to the “bread and butter” in front of us. Only when this job can make money can we have a good life. This is a matter of the value of work.
Once we have clarified and resolved these three elements, we can find a satisfying job. Love is the same. Like finding a job, dating also has “three elements”: “Do I have the ability?”, “Do I have passion?”, “What is the value?”
In “Do I have the ability?”, this “ability” refers to the ability to be with the other person. People often say after a breakup: “I don’t think I have the ability to love someone again!”
Here the “ability” mentioned by people is the ability to be with someone. When looking for the right partner, we should also ask ourselves this question. You need to ask yourself, “If you are with them, do you have the ability to take care of them? Do you have the ability to look after them?”
If you receive a positive answer, then the first question is easily resolved. This question seems simple, but it actually assesses whether you and the other person are “suitable”. Just like how you need to assess whether a pair of shoes fits, it will cause problems if they are too big or too small. Only what fits you is the best.
After we have addressed this question, we can then address the second question—“Do I have passion?”
There are many ways to get to know a person, and there are many reasons to like someone. However, once the relationship between two people develops to the point of becoming a couple, both will inevitably have doubts—should I really be with them?
The reason for our doubts is because we are unsure if we have passion when being with the other person. If there is passion between you and the other person, then naturally this question won’t arise. Liking the other person naturally leads to a willingness to be with them, without any reason.
This is similar to considering whether you like a job when looking for work. If you like the other person, naturally you will want to be with them. This way, the time you spend with the other person will also become passionate, and it also avoids the possibility of “living together” in the future.
After we have addressed these two questions, the following question becomes very simple—“What is the value of being with the other person?”
Many men seek a “virtuous wife” when looking for a marriage partner because they can realize various “values” in the other person. Such as building a family, establishing the position of the “head of the household”, and being able to elevate their career to a higher level, and so on. Women are the same; they tend to seek a “strong” man as their “marriage partner” to act as their “backbone”.
Therefore, we also need to seek the “values” the other person possesses in the process of dating, just like we evaluate whether a job makes money when looking for work.
Life for two people is not just about “romance”, “the necessities of life” will also occupy a large part of future life. Only when you are clear about what value the other person holds in your life, can you truly find the right partner for yourself.
Therefore, like finding a job, dating also requires evaluating and resolving problems from three different dimensions. Only when we have clarified the problems in these three dimensions, can we truly find the right partner for ourselves. These three are a positive cycle; otherwise, we will fall into the vicious cycle of “easy to fall in love, hard to get along”.
Of course, understanding the principles is far from enough; we also need to come up with measures. How can we find the right partner?
2 How to find the right partner?
Finding a partner is very simple. By doing these two things, you can easily find a partner.
- Break free from the previous “framework”
Each of us holds an “ideal type” in our hearts, but the “ideal” is ultimately just an “ideal”. If we must search according to our ideal type, then we are likely to “end up alone.” Even if we can find a partner to spend the rest of our lives with, it still won’t lead to happiness.
So, you can try to appropriately “bury” your ideal type and step out of the constraints in your mind to search. Don’t meet someone and immediately find fault with them; instead, be good at discovering the strengths of the other person. At the same time, we must be willing to try, regardless of the other person’s qualities. As your range of interactions expands, the possibility of finding the right partner also increases accordingly.
- Improve yourself
If you want to find the right partner, then making yourself better is a good approach.
“When you bloom, the gentle breeze comes.” After becoming better, you will naturally attract others, and you will also be able to match with better people. Just like when we play games, people with higher ranks can naturally play with those of lower ranks, and if you only have a low rank, then you can only linger at the bottom.
In short, finding the right partner is not difficult. Like finding a job, we need to look at the problem from three different dimensions—“Do I have the ability?”, “Do I have passion?”, “What is the value?” After addressing these three dimensions, step out of the previous framework and improve yourself. After you have done these things, the previous problems will naturally be resolved. Finally, I hope everyone can find the right partner for themselves!