1. I Have a Very Relaxed Attitude Towards Love.

In my relationship with my husband for over a decade, our feelings have always been stable, partly because I have a very relaxed attitude towards love. I don’t obsess over one person and can’t function without them.

A friend asked me, “I tend to revolve around men when in a relationship, what should I do?”

It’s because life isn’t fulfilling enough, and there are too few emotional outlets. If you spend eight hours a day working and pursuing side businesses to make money, then spend two hours nurturing yourself (exercise, reading, and leisure), and another hour socializing (with family, friends, and hobbies), how much time does that leave for your man? How much mental energy is left for love?

So, “I love you, but I love myself more” isn’t just a slogan or motivational quote for me; it’s a true internalized strength that keeps me in a constantly evolving state, providing me with a more fulfilling life and love.

It’s simple. It’s a kind of emotional pattern I often share with you: when together, be affectionate and attentive, and when apart, focus entirely on yourself.

Let’s start with “being affectionate and attentive when together.”

When together, make sure that both parties feel like they’re in the sweet phase of dating and communicate fully. This “romantic state” is completely different from the usual state of life. It’s about being fully present and communicating, not just looking at your phones or talking about random things. When you make plans with him, it’s as if he’s momentarily freed from the tension of work and enters an active, interesting, and adorable dating state.

Now, let’s talk about “focusing entirely on yourself when apart.”

Most of your time is spent apart, so if possible, completely focus on yourself during that time, giving 100% of your energy to managing your work and life. During this time apart, allow yourself to become a better person, and allow your boyfriend to use this time to improve himself.

This was the rhythm of my relationship with my husband during our dating period, and we enjoyed it a lot. We supported each other, communicated peacefully, and progressed together at the same pace. This kind of balanced, independent, and affectionate relationship makes it easier and more enduring.

2. I Never Engage in Unnatural Relationships.

I recently saw a hot topic that said men change after marriage: during courtship, they were completely accommodating and listened to everything you said, even when you were being stubborn, but after marriage, they start to be indifferent, no longer caring about your emotions, and not being as attentive as before…

The need for someone to always indulge, cater to, and pamper you is inherently unhealthy and unnatural. These behaviors are a man’s exceptional performance during the temporary courtship period and are not a reflection of his true self. Once he realizes that this behavior is expected of him, you’ll form habits and become dependent, and he’ll tire of it. You may seem to have the upper hand, but in reality, you’re entirely passive.

Whether or not you can continue to feel proud depends on how much patience and freshness he has left. Once a man no longer loves or completely understands you, he’ll stop nurturing your emotional value. But since you’re emotionally dependent, you’ll panic and might even beg to keep the relationship, becoming completely passive in the relationship.

This kind of woman has an attractive exterior but can’t keep up with the inner core. She seems aloof and hard to get, but is actually very easily led and constantly seeks and consumes the psychological advantage brought by her rigid conditions.

“I provide, so I have the right to call it off at any time; you demand, but have no ability to ask me to continue.”

So, a good relationship isn’t just about demanding, it’s about mutual giving and nurturing.

When you’re capable of providing yourself with 70–80% of the love, and others only need to give 30%, it becomes a mutually beneficial and life-sustaining state. You won’t always be restless, seeking externally, and using the way others treat you to prove love.

Instead of always having a man cater to me and pamper me, I hope he can lead and nurture me. I’ve always believed that a good partner influences and helps you become a better person (and vice versa).

That’s why I never pursue a perfect partner or love, because I’m not a perfect partner myself, and I can’t love him 100%. How can I expect that of someone else? Pursuing unnatural love will eventually backfire.

3. I Always Have Chips and Value.

When I shared practical tips in my circle before, I talked about how in any relationship, the prerequisite for making the other person value you more is having a sufficient output of value capital.

The essence of love is an exchange of value. It may sound realistic, but it’s the truth.

Adult relationships shift from a mindset of seeking to one of exchanging. Think more about what you have to offer to get what you want. What do you have to offer? What have you gained? What have you given?

So, after a woman enters into a relationship, she shouldn’t constantly think about how to be better in the relationship to make him love her more, how to give, or how to change to keep him from leaving her. Instead, she should continually learn new things, enrich her multifaceted value, and update her chips.

Your goal is to make the relationship stable and enduring. When you possess multifaceted value, are excellent enough, and don’t worry about not being cherished, people will unconsciously value high-value individuals.

What is your multifaceted value?

Beauty brings aesthetic value. External charm is the most basic value output.

Emotional intelligence brings emotional value. He feels joy and comfort with you, which is a higher level of value output.

For example, if he’s a clumsy and introverted guy, your interesting and pleasurable communication will make him addicted. If he’s never felt enough love and acceptance, the comfort you create will make him reliant on you.

Resources bring societal value. Being with you enhances his career, or you provide him with effective advice, adding social value to “participating in his life,” taking your relationship to a higher level of stability.

Focus on improving your “multifaceted value.” When you keep climbing, the other person perceives your high value, and they will naturally start running at the same pace. You won’t separate because you have irreplaceable value, which influences him to become a better person.

People often ask me, “Your husband is excellent, don’t you ever feel insecure or lack a sense of security?”

Of course I do, but I feel insecure when my husband’s career takes off and I’m stagnant. That’s when I feel extremely insecure. What happens next? I start running, and I start keeping up with him.

Why do I feel insecure at that stage? It’s because he’s unknowingly made me feel insecure. When I realized this, I started moving forward, and I could also output a sense of crisis, which restored the balance in our relationship.

So, my husband and I both understand that we are each other’s best choices, and that our mature love is a union of equals. Smart people are clear that a stable, long-term relationship is based on mutual need and nurturing.

Good relationships and marriages are about being prepared. Everyone can get off at any time, but he continues to not leave because he can’t bear to be without you. He adheres to you because he needs you. The more he needs you, the more disciplined he will be (the same applies to both men and women).

In addition, I have the “not afraid to lose you” chip and confidence. Not being afraid to lose is my biggest trump card.

With these core principles, you can naturally handle any relationship with ease and grace.