Some people never meet a person who makes their heart beat in their entire life. But there are also some people who will be moved by different people at different times.

The occurrence of a problem is not just the existence of the problem. So, today we want to talk about: the reasons for heartbeat after marriage.

People grow in stages, and their needs are constantly changing.

When we are in love, all we want to pursue is an innocent and romantic relationship; but when we get married, the dullness of life will make us forget many things and only see the discord and feathers in the current relationship.

The same story comes from a friend. She and her husband have been married for ten years. From school uniforms to wedding dresses, the journey was full of thorns and stumbles.

After graduation, the two of them went to work in the same city. She discovered that her husband liked to chat online, so she confiscated his bank card and mobile phone.

Later, she met a younger brother at work, and the two often chatted together. It was not until her husband found out that he wanted a divorce that they separated.

Later, such things will occur alternately, and both parties will look for solace outside of marriage.

She is not sure whether the other party has had a relationship with the opposite sex, but the couple has very little sex, once or twice a month, and they have no children until now.

Last year she met a divorced boy who got along very well and said he would wait for her, which made her very hesitant.

When I saw this story, I felt sorry.

A relationship, from school uniforms to wedding dresses, and ten years of marriage, is full of thorns along the way. Nowadays, both couples will look for solace outside of marriage.

What is the essential motivation behind these behaviors?

There is a framework in psychological theory that describes a person’s growth path: from “small self” to “big self”, and then from “big self” to “no self”.

The above story needs to focus on the establishment process of “small self”.

Most people have expectations for relationships, expecting to be taken care of meticulously, expecting dramatic growth or romantic feelings, but these are the products of the “small self” not being satisfied.

Everyone has a little self living in their heart. Some people are healthier physically and mentally because they have been treated well since childhood and no longer need excessive care and attention.

But some people will keep repeating the needs of childhood because their “small self” has not been healed because they did not receive enough care and were not restrained by rules during childhood.

Therefore, it is impossible for a person to start truly raising a child without healing, because raising a child means developing one’s own “bigger self”.

In other words, only a fully functional self can be responsible for oneself and competent in taking care of children.

Traditional psychology emphasizes “how to establish boundaries” and “how to establish rules.” Recently, I have a different feeling about this:

If the above story were told a few years ago, I might have said, “You can just establish an open relationship and both parties agree on the rules.” But in my opinion today, this is not the case at all.

I find that some parts of traditional psychology are not adapted to the local environment.

Because the above problem is not essentially a problem of boundaries or rules, but a problem of “learning how to be a human being”.

The word “being a human being” may be a bit imaginary. You can understand it as: How can we survive and live well in our cultural background?

Just like the above story, the two people’s transformation from school uniforms to wedding dresses is worth cherishing.

Combining the three dimensions of psychological life, the first dimension is to survive, the second dimension is to live well, and the third dimension is to live clearly, two people should learn how to coexist better, how to manage life better together, and live from the Come down and advance to live well.

I no longer feel like I did in the past that as long as both parties set appropriate rules, we can complete endless challenges.

Because repeated challenges and impacts to the relationship will not essentially make the relationship get to a better place.

If you want to live a good life, it is more important for both of you to learn how to be a good person and learn to compromise. After all, only by giving up can you gain.

In other words, two people should sit down and talk: What should we give up and what should we gain?

For example, if both parties give up some freedom, maybe they can have a child later, or get many other things.

“Giving up and giving” is an important manifestation of life and work in intimate relationships.

Family is the seat of many important relationships and is a place that many of us want to cherish throughout our lives.

The reason why some families have major problems may not only be in the newly born small family, but also in the original family behind each other, each other’s parents, each other’s previous generation, the previous generation, or even the earlier generation. There are a lot of issues that are not being addressed.

And the reason why some old things are brought up again and again is because they have not been properly dealt with.

The most regretful thing in life is that you always choose marriage when you are ignorant; when you are mature and sensible, you fall in love with other people of the opposite sex.

But this is not the temptation of the world, but of self-indulgence.

It’s not uncommon to meet someone you love after marriage. The difficulty lies in seeing and recognizing yourself clearly and still keeping your true heart.