When the original wives find out about their husband’s affair, they often vent their anger on the third party, resulting in frequent incidents of assaulting the mistress. Even if it’s not this kind of criminal violent act, harassing and insulting phone calls and messages, disrupting the third party’s work, attempting to socially ostracize them, informing the third party’s family and spouse, etc., are also very common. In this article, let’s discuss the anger of the original wives. What drives the original wives to make these series of crazy actions? What lies behind these angry emotions?
When we have objective and deep awareness of ourselves and others, we will see things from a different perspective and discover some different things.
1. What emotions are mixed in this anger?
- Fear.
Yes, you read that right, it’s fear. Almost every person’s emotion of “anger” contains fear. The most significant fear is the fear of “being abandoned,” which is the most fundamental and deepest fear in every person since infancy. Those original wives who react very intensely in the face of extramarital affair events are often not independent personalities. Regardless of the reasons for their marriage to the man, whether for survival, social considerations, or love, they are emotionally dependent on the man. Interestingly, women who lack independence in personality are often economically dependent as well because they lack the mental energy and cognitive level to face the complexities of society and do not have the ability to introspect and appropriately utilize their strengths to find a place in society and the workplace. Therefore, they are highly dependent on the man even in material terms. Being abandoned means that they have lost their emotional and material support. When facing such a shocking event, they regress and return to the deep-seated fear of being abandoned, similar to being abandoned by their mother in their early life, which means they will not be able to survive. This is the most profound and primal fear in life. This fear tightly binds them, causing them to lose their rationality and ability to think. They resort to the most primitive violent mode.
- Vulnerability.
This is a point that is easily overlooked. Because anger is like a bird that explodes all its feathers in an instant, appearing very powerful and aggressive. But do you know, the real hunters with deadly attack capabilities always silently lurk and strike to kill with one blow. Those who put on a show of strength are often the weak. Just as confronting the third party is because they can’t control the man, the original wives who physically assault the mistress do so because they lack confidence in their relationship with the man. In fact, this is a way for them to show strength due to their emotional vulnerability towards the man. Moreover, this is not strategic intimidation, because strategic intimidation always has its limits, and this kind of intimidation is harmful to both parties, so it is not a rational strategy. Therefore, it is just a false show of strength driven by emotions. Sometimes, the motive is not even to intimidate the other party, but merely to cover up their own fear and emotional vulnerability.
- Grievance.
This grievance is actually directed towards the man. However, in extramarital affair events, there are often communication barriers and emotional barriers between the original wives and the man. What does this mean? Even if some original wives claim that their marriage with the man is very happy, and everything is perfect, and if there were no third party, they would have no problems, this is either self-deception or an indication that there are problems in the marriage that the original wives are unaware of. In other words, they don’t actually understand each other’s true thoughts, and they cannot express their true emotions to each other. Faced with extramarital affairs, the original wives are even less likely to communicate freely with the man. So, the negative emotions accumulated during the long marriage will often explode due to the man’s affair. At this time, will they vent these emotions to the man? No, they didn’t do so before, and they certainly won’t now. No matter how assertive the original wives are, the man I am just keeping him to raise the children and keep the bed warm, but essentially, when they choose not to divorce, they unavoidably have low self-esteem because they can’t leave the man, as those who can leave already have. Those who stay are unable to leave. Since they can’t leave, they instinctively dare not vent their emotions to the man, so the third party becomes their outlet. Under the guise of morality, they can appear righteous and reasonable, without bearing any psychological pressure, and transfer their negative emotions in their marriage to the third party, thereby venting their emotions, dealing with the third party, and not offending the man.
2. How to Deal with this Anger?
Don’t allow yourself to become the object of their venting. Don’t give the original wives a chance. Do everything possible to protect yourself.
I have been emphasizing that the grudges between the original wives and the man are their own marriage matters and have nothing to do with the third party. Their marriage is ruined by themselves. Don’t become the outlet for the original wives’ emotions. If the original wives have angry emotions, the target should only be the man. Sadly, in reality, the original wives put more effort into the man but vent their emotions on the third party, and even on their own children…
I am definitely not trying to teach the third party how to deal with the original wives, how to rise, but what I want to say is to clarify your own boundaries. You shouldn’t bear this anger, so don’t confront the original wives, don’t get involved, let them solve their own problems. If the original wives actively seek you out, and it’s unavoidable, then you should report to the police, and if necessary, fight back. I once saw a girl being forcibly stripped naked on the street by the original wives and several people, verbally abused, physically assaulted, photographed, and videotaped, and this was shared online. It was truly heartbreaking. In such a situation, report to the police immediately, and if you can’t, you must fight back. Afterward, you must hold them accountable and not tolerate it, as it will become a lifelong psychological shadow.
Isolate yourself from this anger. Don’t answer the original wives’ calls, don’t look at the original wives’ messages, and don’t get entangled in any way.
Just need to ask the man if he’s willing to divorce, promise yourself a bright and legitimate relationship. If he agrees, give him emotional support and let him handle the problem. If he hesitates or cannot, or if he asks for more time, turn and leave. There are still many good loves waiting for us in the future, not just the present moment.