The following is what I talked about in a chat with a friend a few days ago. Some are my ideas, some are his ideas, and some are things we see in books/movies and agree with. A friend suggested that I record it, saying that maybe one of the sentences in it can provide everyone with some new thinking and new perspectives in relationships.

1. Abandon the thinking of “I want” something

A weak little girl is full of “I want” thoughts in her relationship—I want the other person to be able to cook, I want the other person to be kind and gentle, I want the other person to take me first and be meticulous.

I rarely think about, what can I give the other person?

Stop thinking about it: What a sacrifice it is for me to leave my parents who gave birth to me and raised me for more than 20 years to be with you. You have to be good to me and pamper me. I haven’t done anything for you, but if you are inconsiderate and sincere, cheat on me and get divorced, you are an idiot and a scumbag, and all scumbags should die. Note that the sentence “I didn’t do anything for you” is the premise.

2. Mary Sues are all lies

Cinderella is a fairy tale, and Mary Sue is a soap opera. Don’t use the routines and standards in novels and TV series, and find a boyfriend.

I have heard similar true stories too many times: This man has nothing but is super nice to me. I will never meet someone who is as nice to me as him in this life. I want to give up a good family, a life in a first-tier city, a decent job, and be with him at all costs. Then get married, then get pregnant, then the man cheats and the woman collapses.

He has nothing, so of course he will treat you with all his heart and soul. If a person’s essence is not extremely grateful and kind (a minority of people), how long can such goodness last?

For adults, a healthier emotional relationship should be a kind of “partner thinking.” What I am looking for is a lover and a life partner—we are spiritually equivalent, have the same views, have similar learning experiences and ways of thinking, can communicate effectively, and can understand each other. We can also rely on each other and work together. Stop asking me whether material things are important. Anyone who can achieve the above points is at least on the same level as you, okay?

Be a strong person and make your own money to support yourself. Don’t feel uncomfortable because you earn more than the other person, otherwise you will always be a “reliant-thinking” girl. In today’s society, there are many ways to balance life. But the other half must not make progress and wait to die, but I feel like I am talking nonsense. To achieve “three views and spiritual equivalence”, this group of people has almost been eliminated.

3. Don’t think you are an exception

Good-looking girls are often very proud and always feel that they are uniquely beautiful. The same is true in relationships. Whether they are beautiful women or ordinary people, everyone feels that “the stories told by others are all routines, and our love must be an exception.”

A road that has been trampled by predecessors is not necessarily a bad road. There is a reason why rules become rules. Don’t always think that you and your feelings are special. Fairies are the ones who always live “with a breath in their mouth” in life and emotions, and fairies need capital.

4. Loving someone is a very pleasant thing

Some girls always have a victim tendency, that is, they always have this energy: I am willing to love you, marry you, and have children for you, so you should be grateful and live with me for the rest of your life. So their focus is entirely on the man in their own family, desperately seeking “love in return.” They even control men in every detail, thinking: Since I have paid for you, only if you are willing to be controlled by me can you prove “you love me too.”

Loving others is a very pleasant thing in itself. Don’t always be afraid to pay, thinking that you are suffering if you pay but don’t receive anything in return, and feel hesitant and trembling.

I love him for my own pleasure. What Mr. Feng said is particularly good:

Love will not hurt us, what hurts us is the heart that needs repayment.

5. Have a certain degree of freedom

I was chatting with another friend that day and the topic of “money and freedom” came up. I said: I have a certain material foundation, which can bring a very comfortable freedom.

This kind of freedom does not only mean: I suddenly wanted to go shopping today and skydiving. I had money and leisure, so I went (of course this is not bad). It also means that I have the right to make decisions in life and the courage to quit.

If a woman has nothing, she can only worry about whether her man will cheat on her. On the contrary, your man’s mother-in-law is worried that you will no longer like him.

Not to mention cheating, even in a good relationship, if you have a certain amount of financial freedom, you can solve many seemingly huge problems for poor couples. I once mentioned an example in another article:

A netizen I like very much talked about a boyfriend. She likes to take photos, travel to restaurants, and pays attention to the sense of ritual. However, the other party is a guy who has no sense of ceremony and doesn’t like it. If she were an ordinary little girl, she would definitely complain to her best friend: This man is too stupid and doesn’t understand the sense of ritual at all. Then he should just do what he should do.

But this blogger is an independent, career-oriented and energetic girl. When her boyfriend is particularly tired from work, she will go to the next city to book a hotel with a hot spring, prepare red wine, and take her boyfriend to relax and recuperate. The boyfriend is very happy, and she has a sense of ritual.

All good things are not imagined, they require hard work to create.

6. People just have shortcomings.

There are no perfect people in this world. When you can’t stand a certain trait of your boyfriend, think about how you feel annoyed about your “procrastinating self” and how you hate yourself. Think about your own shortcomings, isn’t the other person still tolerating them?

A kind and rational person may be too rational and not comforting; a person who is your life mentor may not be a good life partner; an extremely romantic person may not be clear with his ex-girlfriend. Life is full of paradoxes, and perfectionism is doomed to lead a tiring life.

Look at 2–3 things about him that you admire or even admire. If these things are really such as “gratitude”, “kindness” and “innocence”, then they are already worth cherishing. Just let it be the other little things in life.

Don’t lose the big for the small, lose the watermelon and pick the sesame.

7. Extreme enthusiasm can lead to disillusionment easily

Extremely passionate feelings, mostly mixed with most of the fantasy. You won’t encounter this state too much in your life, so I’m not saying it’s bad, but it’s difficult to maintain.

Even, because of the appearance of extreme romance, you will ignore the real part of it and cannot look at other people and feelings objectively. At this time, your expectations for this love have become very high. It’s extremely cold at high places.

Every great joy is followed by great sadness.

8.Be brave

We always tell ourselves: Be brave. But the fact is that if you only have love and love in your life, it will be difficult to be strong and brave in your relationship.

You must have something else that allows you to stand firmly on the earth. The career you pursue, the hobbies you like, and your family and friends will allow you to keep moving forward in life, gain a sense of achievement and satisfaction, and receive positive feedback. You will become more emotionally stable, more optimistic, and stronger.

Only in this way can you truly have the strength to love others.